Mar. 10th, 2013 06:12 pm
mermaidblue: (hiding)
OMFG if I don't vent I'll lose my bloody mind!

First, I'm told I need a dental implant that my insurance won't cover.

Then there's a leak at the GA house, which means repairs to the roof as well as cosmetic stuff. And even though the roof in under warranty, the company has closed. And the insurance company won't honor the warranty. Which means paying for the repairs and the insurance deductible out of my pocket.

Plus of course, it's time to pay my car insurance, take both animals to the vet, pay my home insurance (hah!) and renter's insurance. My car needs repairs...well really I need a new car but again with the money. Even if I figure out how to pay for the repair, there is no time to get it done!

If the money were not enough, the person out at work is not coming back on time. Another person just took a 2nd two week emergency leave in 6 months. And the person going out on maternity leave is not doing well. Needless to say I am covering way more than I want to.

Add in the freak-out by what seemed to be a sane guy, who is apparently having trouble after his last relationship (even though he really likes me -blech!) and a string of unpromising on line dates...

I have no idea how to calm down right now. I am angry and freaking the hell out. I can't pay for all of this. I have exactly 3 days off before the end of the month, unless you count the days I have to drive to Philly and back again for my niece's bday.

I need a god damned break and there's no way I can figure to get next vacation at work is not until JUNE! I'd take a weekend away, but that costs money.

mermaidblue: (Default)
Ok, so I swear I've mentioned Brad before....but just to review.

So, back in late April or early May, I put myself up on eHarmony just to force myself to get back out there. I had filled out the profile but hadn't actually joined up, but there were a coupl of people who kept emailing me to talk to them, so I took the plunge.

Overall, eHarmony is not too bad...just a lot of work! I started talking to a couple of guys. And some of them turned from the scripted exchanges to actual emails, and then phone calls.

One of them was Brad. We went from emailing, to texting, to phone calls. We texted pretty much all day every day and talked every night for hours. We still do several months later.

So just after my birthday, we agreed to meet up. I was nervous, as you imagine...but it went very well. He came down for dinner and ended up visiting for 3 days. The chemistry is great. We get along fine. On my way back from sailing in Maine, I stopped to see him and he introduced me to his parents.

For those that want the vitals...he turns 38 in September. He has a bachelors from BU and and MBA from Southern Florida. He works in healthcare administration, and has worked at Children's in Philly and at DuPont Childrens as well. He hasn't been married and has no kids...he was engaged but it didn't work out and he moved back up to New England about the same time I broke up with Jason.

Right now he's rehabbing his parents house from the 1600s while he looks for a position up here. He's financially stable, and very chivalrous. Opens doors, gets the car when it's raining so I don't get wet, pays for everything...

I'm seeing him again next week. and he's texting me now. I'm cautiously optimistic but trying very hard not to fall too far or too fast.

So that's the skinny. I'm till on eHarmony. There are a few other people I'm talking with but nothing else even remotely serious.
mermaidblue: (Default)
I've been quiet of late I know. I'm still alive and healthy except for a minor shoulder injury.

July was absolute madness, though mostly of the good sort....until one of my colleagues took 2 weeks off without any notice.

So right now I'm working 9 shifts in 2 weeks and exhausted. I'll be fine but I barely have energy to keep up with food and house stuff much less writing or anything creative.

Puppy is still fine. I'm still seeing Brad and things seem ok there but I am being very cautious.
mermaidblue: (Default)
As many of you know, Tiggr is my cat. I've had him ever since I graduated high school. aside from my brother and sister, he has known me longer than any living being. Tiggr was diagnosed with renal failure a few years ago. For a while he did fine. Other than drinking more he didn't even seem sick. But this spring, he got worse quickly. I put him in the hospital for a few days and got him tanked up, and he held on for a few weeks.

But in the last few days, he's stopped eating and has a harder time drinking, despite the medicines and subcutaneous fluids I've been giving him. 2 nights ago he was doing better after I gave him his IVF, but last night he could barely stand up. So I made him a nest in the bed room with a blanket, water and his litter box. Today he barely responding except to ask for ear scritches. So I called the vet. We go in at 12:30 to put him down. I could let him go on his own, but I don't want him to suffer.

So I guess that's that.

How is I?

Jun. 15th, 2012 02:39 pm
mermaidblue: (Default)
That seems to be the most common question in my life of late- "Sooooo how are you?" said somewhat sheepishly.

I don't really know how to answer this one. I'm as well as can be expected. I'm better than I thought I'd be at this point. I'm wading through all of this crap, and resenting the speed bumps J keeps throwing in my his "I'm coming for my stuff" with no notice. I diverted him until after my trip but still. :P I suppose there are thing I will always regret, always miss. But I wish there weren't.

I function. I pay the bills, do the housework, do my job, get things done. I see my friends here as often as work allows...and miss my friends in other places.

To be honest,I'm a bit down these last few days. My birthday is coming up and it's another first without J. Most of my local friends are too busy to celebrate, and my closest friends are far away. Tiggr is sick and goddess only knows how long he has. I'm also turning 37 and feel like time is running out on my life outside of work. Things at work are good, except for one co-worker who is being a total bitch to everyone. Ah well, what else is new? There's always one. At least my sister is coming up for a couple of days.

3 months

Apr. 17th, 2012 10:21 pm
mermaidblue: (Default)
One of the things that always amazes me about life is how fast it can change....

It's only been 3 months, when we were together almost 8 years. It only took one sentence to go from pair bonded and engaged, thinking about houses and single, alone, and perhaps never to be a mother.

It seems like so little time, and so much.

I'm getting to the point where I'm ok without him. Not happy. Not loved. But ok. I still miss the wonderful things we shared, the way he said bye with such adoration in his voice, the silly things he'd do just to make me smile or laugh...and of course my puppies. But it doesn't feel like a giant hole burning in the center of my stomach.

All the uncertainty and the fears are still there. I still don't believe I can find some better for me, but I'm starting to think I could find someone better to me. I still wonder if I'll ever get to have a child, and a family. I still don't think I'm that special.

But at least I'm no longer worried about things beyond my control or being lied to on a regular basis.
mermaidblue: (Default)
I should be writing a travelogue about Wales. It was lovely, but I just don't feel like it. Perhaps later.

Things have been hectic since I got back.

First of all, I caught a cold on the way back from Europe. So I've been sick all week.

Then, a supposed friend and colleague stabbed me in the back several times while I was gone. So I've been trying to deal with that issue.

Jason is drinking again, so we are not talking. I'm not surprised but sad, none the less.

And spending a "family" holiday alone is not helping. Plus I worked all day yesterday and am on again tonight.

So color me blah I guess.

well, now

Mar. 19th, 2012 09:19 pm
mermaidblue: (Default)
It's been a minute since I wrote much. Partly it's been work and partly busy...but mostly that most days I'm fairly content.

I have knitting group, and pottery class just finished. I'm planning to take a stained glass class next. I've had a few really good visits with friends here.

The doldrums of winter have been no fun at all. I'm still pretty up and down overall. Some days are good, and others not so much.

Going to my cousins place was great fun....but it did make me realize how very much I want a life like that. Their kids are fabulous, and I am apparently "incredible" with them and "diplomatic". LOL! So that threw me into a tailspin for a few days.

Of course, the anniversary of Tasha's death was also difficult. I still miss her horribly. The losses in my life seem to keep piling up...but sadly the gains not so much. Well, I guess my career is finally progressing, but otherwise *shrug*

Jason is still in touch and, as far as I know, still sober. We've had a few decent talks, and a few tough ones. He insists that none of this was my fault, but I'm sure there are things I could have done better. He still hopes we'll get back together someday, which may be possible but not right now. I'm ok with talking to him, but not ok with seeing him so my trip to GA in May will be unadvertised.

What's bothering me about the post-J world right now is that I'm still worried about whether he is drinking or not. I'd like to think I'm being selfless, but no...I want him to get better at least partly to prove that I wasn't wrong about believing in him.

The other disturbing shift I've noticed is that I'm starting to wonder about men I meet again. That's not bad in and of itself...after all eventually I'll start dating again. It's the way I look at them I don't like. I keep wondering if they could be "the one". Well, of course they can't! I don't even know them. It just strikes me as unhealthy.

Today was the fist really beautiful spring day we've had I took it off, for the most part at least. I slept late, sat in the sun, thought about gardening, and took a nap.

Ta ta for now. bed time again!


Mar. 10th, 2012 10:14 pm
mermaidblue: (Default)
So this week my headshrinker gave me homework: I have to collect opinions from all of you, my friends, ad o what you think is special about me.

Let 'er rip!
mermaidblue: (Default)
into the future.

Things are a bit rough inside my head right now. I'm sad. I'm alone. I'm scared. Most of all I'm tired...of trying and fighting and hoping. Most of all of hoping.

But it seems to be an impossible habit to break so, what do I want?

I want a partner- someone who will make decisions with me, not who will make them for me or expect me to make them for him. Not everything obviously but the big ones.

I want someone with integrity. Who doesn't lie to me and know I won't lie to them. I'm not talking Radical Honesty here, just basic respect for me and for our relationship.

I want someone who loves me, wholeheartedly even though they admit I'm imperfect and frustrating and stubborn. Cuz I am.

I want someone I can trust without reservation. I don't want to wonder if he is drinking, or using drugs, or cheating on me.

I want someone who can balance his interests and our life together. Who has his own things that make him happy, that we can do together or not. I want to make him happy, and be happy with him but I don't want to be the sole source of his happiness.

I want someone who is emotionally available and comfortable with intimacy. Who knows himself, his issues, and his faults...and can address them as they come up as well as whatever issues we have as our relationship progresses. Cuz we will have them.

I want someone who wants me as I am, who wants a life with me and a family. Someone I don't have to fight to have a keep a place in his life. Who commits to our life together as his top priority.

Is this too much to ask?
mermaidblue: (Default) goes on.

I work. I sleep. I eat. I go to my knitting group and ever so slowly move forward with reorganizing the house. I'm hoping to have one room painted and put together before Wales.

I go to knitting group. I've joined a few other groups as well to try and keep busy.

I wish I had more progress to report, but about the only other positive thing I can say is that I am not actively miserable constantly. Intermittently the sad will come back and bite me, like when I went to the fancy supermarket we both liked... but most of the rest of the time I am just there. Not happy, not sad, nor any other identifiable emotion. Just there.

The job is fine. I'm working out. I have money saved for the Wales trip. I am planning to go to the Steampunk World Fair, visit some cousins, and perhaps come back to ATL to see my chosen family.
mermaidblue: (Default)
...another post.

I am now thankfully on the last of my 10 days of work in 12 days. So of course, the pager started up as soon as I got in. At this point, I'm waiting on 2 admissions both of whom are likely fine but need watching. There's also a baby who may need to stay an extra day for observation and one woman in labor. Hopefully I can catch 6 hrs of sleep before rounds, a meeting, and a personal training appointment. Then I crash!

Emotionally, I had a good few days but the doldrums returned this morning. It may just be exhaustion, but all the usual doubts about whether I'll ever meet my partner, have kids, etc surfaced. There's nothing wrong with my life right now besides loneliness, but sometimes it is overwhelming especially when I think it may stay this way.

It won't of course. Even since J left things have changed significantly. He's getting help- counseling and AA. So far it's working even through its only been a couple of weeks. Too bad he had to destroy our relationship before he could accept help but that's the way it is.

So I guess I'm just trying to put my mind back together, as well as my life. I go to Al-anon occasionally for whatever I can learn. I'm doing a lot of reading on philosophy, self-improvement etc for whatever that is worth. I'm going to the personal trainer 2x a week and trying to keep myself busy. Which is proving to be very frustrating as I'm not losing any weight even though I'm losing inches and getting stronger-blech!

We'll see.
mermaidblue: (Default)
I'm fairly sure some of you are pretty sick of me and my whinging. But there too much floaty in my head, too may quiet hours in my night shift, and too many questions left unanswered. And I have no where else to put it without annoying people with phone calls or cracking. So it goes here.

I fecking hate this. How can the person who knows you best out of anyone in the world and loves you anyway still be not the right person? How can we have survived so many traumas only to fail now? Why? I feel cursed. All I want right now is to go back 6 or so years to a cold October morning when J and I were both sleeping in a town bed at my sisters place. It was a horrible time in my life but at least I believed in love, and in us. At least I was warm, and safe, and loved instead of cold and tired and alone.

It was not a perfect relationship and he was far from a perfect man...and I know I did the right thing. I don't miss going home and wondering what I might find. I don't miss his drinking or yelling or withdrawing. But I do miss him. Maybe I wouldn't if he'd left the dogs. Maybe it's just that I need physical comfort so much and I don't have anyone here I can turn to for more than a hug. Maybe it's all the dreams I'm having to let go. And maybe that I have very little fuckin faith left after all the losses in the last 8 years.

It almost doesn't matter. He's gone, the dogs are gone...and I have no faith that there will ever be a replacement. I'm done.

Dark patch

Feb. 13th, 2012 09:43 pm
mermaidblue: (Default)
Ever so slowly, things have been getting better...or at least progressing. Until last Friday that is. Two things.

Number one is that I was actually actively happy for a little while. I was making dinner and listening to jazz. I managed to make bread for the first time since he left. I was even dancing in the kitchen for a while.

Second, it was Jesse's birthday this weekend. This is important for 2 reasons. First, I missed it for the first time in years. And 2nd because Bev posted pictures on Facebook of the birthday party including J. I stared at them for a while, and then since I was already sad I decided to clean out the pictures on my computer.

The actual cleaning out was not that bad, but looking at the expressions on his face over the years just hurt so bad. I could see how much he loved me in those photos. And how much I loved him. And the life we had together, good and bad.

It's not that love isn't enough. I've known that for as long as I can remember. In some ways it helped to know that it was real, that I didn't imagine the good times before as well as the bad times after.

I know I did the right thing. That nothing I did or did not do could change his path once he went down it. That he still loves me as much as he can....and that we can't be together. I know that the man I love may be gone forever, and that in this case it is stronger to let him go and let the goddess take care of him.

It's the fear that's getting to me. I know no one will ever love me that way again because they won't be him, but I fear that no one will ever love me that much again. That by giving up on him, I missed my last chance at a family and love and home. And that I'm having trouble getting over.
mermaidblue: (Default)
It's officially one month since the breakup.

Not really sure what to say. It happened. It sucks. I wish it was different.

Except its not different. So I'm trying to deal with reality and learn from my mistakes. I'm trying to rebuild my life alone and hold on to some kind of faith that maybe things will get better.

I'm seeing a therapist and a personal trainer and going to Al-Anon. I'm buying myself wine and flowers and furniture. I'm painting and packing up his shit and rearranging.

But the reality is, I can do all the work I want on myself...and I still may end up alone with out family or children.
mermaidblue: (Default)
Today was mostly good.

I was on all last night and actually got to sleep! So I stayed up all day.

Mostly I watched "Big Bang Theory" and laughed! Dishes, laundry, minor shopping, and more window sealing against the cold also got done.

Tomorrow some friends are coming over to help me move the bed out of the old bedroom and pack up some of J's stuff. The comes the sage, the painting, and the rearranging.

Sadly, wandering around Hyannis running errands just made me think of J. He haunted the book store, the Bed Bath & Beyond, even the grocery store. If I though we could have an honest conversation I'd call him to debrief... try and figure out what part I may have played in this farce. But given that I'm pretty sure he stole some things just because he knew I cared about them and that I know he went and bought alcohol, that's likely impossible.

I muddle on. I read, I learn, I recognize some ingrained behaviors in myself. I still don't want to look at men, or have them interested in me. I have some angry letters to write. And a lot of healing to do.

Maybe someday I'll meet someone else and have a family. Or maybe not. And I need to learn to be ok with both possibilities.

So I'm eating pizza for dinner, and drinking champagne to toast new beginnings. The veil plan includes hot tub soaks, reading fiction, and a fire just for me. Oh, and I bought myself some more flowers as well!

On and On

Jan. 31st, 2012 09:14 pm
mermaidblue: (Default)
That's all I get these days, to keep going.

Life is not bad. I still love my job. The Cape is still gorgeous. I have friends here, and there, who love me. Everyone is being supportive, including my family. And that helps more than I could ever say.

But I cry at least a little most days. In some ways the sudden stabs of grief are worse because there are moments of not hurting. I would still do anything to have my Jason back, even though I know that is impossible. I wonder if there was anything I could have done that might possibly have made a difference...even though I know there likely wasn't.

I keep knitting, and planning the house rearrangement. I'm trying to marshal some forces to help with packing etc this weekend. Then comes the painting, and the cleansing, and the recreating.

Must sleep now. More later.

Up & down

Jan. 23rd, 2012 09:31 pm
mermaidblue: (Default)
...round & round.

Life is a bit chaotic right now. I'm working a lot, which in a sense is good. It's a distraction and time out of the house. But it is hard sometimes to see happy families with brand new babies, when what feels like my last chance at that life is gone. Note I said feels, not is. I realize the logical fallacy, it just doesn't change the feeling.

Actually, that is probably the central tenet of my life right now. The difference between what is and how it feels. I feel sad, angry, betrayed, and bereft. I grieve for the life we had planned and the Jason I used to know. But the man I've been living with the last few months, not so much. I miss the dogs horribly and pray they will be safe with him. But neither their well being or J's recovery are my responsibility.

What is my responsibility is figuring out how I might have enabled him, and making sure I never do so again.

What is my responsibility if rebuilding my life as I want it to be, regardless of the circumstances around me.

What is my responsibility is taking good care of myself, both physically, emotionally, and mentally.

What is my responsibility is keeping this from affecting my job and career.

What is my responsibility is how I let this affect me and figuring out what I do want in a relationship when I'm recovered enough to have one.

Oh yeah, and I have whiskey in the house again!!!
mermaidblue: (Default)
Jason left with what he could fit in his car and our dogs Monday night. I got to cuddle the dogs one last time before I went to a friends house crying inconsolably. She and her baby helped, but coming home to an empty house was awful. No happy puppy barks and whimpers, no watching them scamper outside, no warm loving snuggles next to me as I slept.

He had asked me multiple times if there was anything he could do for me. The one thing I asked him to do was clean up his vomit from the last night of our relationship. Of course, he left a huge mess and lots of his stuff to be packed up for shipping or selling. And he didn't clean up the vomit. He didn't even let me know when he arrived safely.

The next couple days were very hard. I had to work all day Tuesday, but managed not to make any major gaffes. That night was the worst. No dogs, no noise, and I was reconnecting the wireless and bluray systems. I tried a few ways to find something to distract myself with little luck and eventually went to bed out of sheer exhaustion.

Yesterday was mostly spent in meetings, etc. I had my 2nd personal training appt and a doctors appt. apparently I am borderline hypothyroid hut not enough to treat right now. At the medical staff meeting I saw a man who was attractive. This terrified me. I don't want to be attracted to anyone right now. In fact, at this point I'm fairly sure anyone I find attractive would be bad for me. So I did my best to ignore him and enjoy the company of my pediatric colleagues. For the most part it worked.

Plans are underway to pack up all his crap and put it out of sight. After that, I paint, rearrange the house, and rebuild my life.

When I got home I watched a movie and did more reading. For now that's how I'm coping- reading about healthy relationships, ways to increase my own happiness, and about how having an alcoholic father and now partner affects me. Of course, all the reading in the world won't help if I can change how I feel and think.

I don't want him back, but I desperately still want the life we planned with the person he used to be. And I can't have it.
mermaidblue: (Default)
Friday the 13th did turn out to be a f*ed up day. But not for expected reasons.

My gym training appointment go canceled at the last minute.

Jason woke up sober, so I took the opportunity to talk to him about some things. Apparently he is leaving in the next week. He's going to his mother's but lied and said he didn't know where he is going. He also said he didn't know if he'd have a safe place for the dogs, though I know his mom would never let them suffer. More emotional blackmail. But we did get the issue of what he is and isn't taking with him talked through with very few snags. He's driving, so he can't take all of his things. He still has to let me know what he wants done with them and about his ticket to Wales.

On a more emotional level, I tried to make it clear that while I care about him and still see all the things I love about him, they are all buried underneath his disease. I tried to separate him from his disease... but he still kept talking about how he was trying and it wasn't enough. We both cried a lot and agreed that we didn't blame each other but were just in a place where it couldn't work. He kept asking what he could do for me. I refrained from saying grow the hell up and get help.

Then I went to see a movie with my co-worker Cynthia. Which I told Jason was the gym appt since he hates here and I don't need the drama. Not good, I know. But ever so functional right now.

When I came back he and I were supposed to go to Barnes and Noble to get his paycheck. But he was passed out having drunk 2/3 L of vodka. So I had an extended snuggle session with the puppies and caught up on TV until about 11P. Sleep was had- decent sleep actually.

This morning I got up early to go to the rescheduled gym appt. It was pretty good. I'm not as weak as I thought, but there were some surprising deficiencies. I tried to get my car back form the shop after that, but they were closed with their hours listed neither on the website, voice mail, or door. So instead I went to the bank and got a few steps closer to separating the finances.

When I got back from all that, J asked me to go to lunch with him. I had a work related lunch meeting, so said no. It went fine...may actually lead to some new friends. Got home and spent most of the afternoon watching the hilarious Big Bang theory. In the course of the afternoon, I told him if he wanted to do something for me he could clean up his vomit before he left. Jason got us Chinese for dinner to repay the pizza I bought last week. I was going to pay him the difference in the cost, but then found he'd had about 1 L of my gin.

The fact that since Sunday he has had 4 L of vodka and 1 L of gin without dying makes me think he's been binging every time I've left him alone for quite a while. And that's without me trying to monitor what he's taking- just the obvious evidence- could be more. Not the evidence I would prefer but more proof that I am doing the right things as much as it hurts.

I tried to warn his mom but her response was "he's getting it out of his system before he comes here." Not much hope there. But not my problem anymore either. Whatever he doesn't take with him I'll sell or ship before I start rearranging furniture, painting, etc. One way or the other he will be out of my house, if not my heart, within a month.
mermaidblue: (Default)
When did pain become the status quo?

I can hardly imagine not hurting. I know I won't hurt at some point. I guess that's the silver lining to losing both my parents...I know the Owie will get better. But I have no idea how I will ever get there. I've not only lost the man I love but the puppies I adore, the life we planned, and my house for now since he's been there and drunk most of the time.

I still can't imagine a person better suited to me with all my weirdness than the J I met and loved for 5 years. But I also can't imagine doing this for the rest of my life. He was sober last night and that was almost worse. I could see my Jason under there, but I don't know when or if he will ever come back. There are so many things I wish I could say to him and have them be heard. But I know he can't hear them now.

I wish the knowledge that I'm doing the right thing made this easier....but it doesn't make it feel any better.
mermaidblue: (Default)
So far I have:

Gotten off the joint credit card account.
Gotten a 2nd credit card in my name.
Opened my own bank account.
Cancelled my direct deposit into the joint account. I'll get a live check instead.
Moved all of my personal items out of the bedroom, because I don't want to sleep in that bed.
Gotten all of my important paper and jewelry together. I'll be taking them to a safe place today.
Told my boss and the landlord in case thing go wahooni shaped.
Gone to a couple of al-anon meetings.
Have 4 places I can go if needs be.

I don't think I am in any physical danger. The emotional torture is exquisitely awful, but he is looking into going back to Georgia so I think he will leave at some point.

I don't know what's gonna happen with the dogs, but have a safe place I can send them if needs be as well.
mermaidblue: (Default)
When I got home last night after two twelve hour shifts and in the middle of a 14 hr shift, Jason was acting strange. He said he just woken up. I got pagedby the ER and of course he wanted to talk then. We start to talk things out but after a while I had to go to the ER. He was crying and threatening to pack, but agreed to wait an hour for me to come back to finish talking.

When I got home he was asleep in the bed. I was eating some leftovers and about to go to bed myself when he fell out of the bed, knocking over the fan. Then he threw up all over the bathroom and it smelled like alcohol. So I went in the kitchen, where I found a glass that looked like juice but tasted like alcohol.

I confronted him this morning and he lied again. So I broke it off.

I've told him what furniture he can have, etc. I've given him half the savings, but am no longer paying any of his bills. I told him I'd give him a week or 2 to figure out a place to stay, but he says his name is on the lease so I have to talk to the landlord.

I have to work 10 hrs today. Will also be looking in to a new bank account and getting myself off the 1 shared credit card. It may take a little longer to move my direct deposit and get the joint bank account taken care of as well. Lord only knows what he'll choose to do about the dogs.

Damn it all

Jan. 4th, 2012 02:44 pm
mermaidblue: (change)
I can't be his wife. I want to be. I want to be so badly. But I just can't do it.

Jason is a wonderful man in many ways. I love his company. We have lots of fun together. He makes me laugh every day. He loves me whole-heartedly. And he has made amazing progress as a person while we have been together.

But he is not capable of having an emotionally intimate relationship at this point in his life. He doesn't know how to be a partner. Even if he never took another drink again, this would still be true.

And that's ok. He is who he is. But he's not who I need in my life. I need someone who relishes life. Someone who has his own adventures as well as adventures with me. Someone who will talk to me so that I don't feel like I'm beating my head against a wall.

Jason could be that person, but he isn't right now. And he may never be.

Of course, there is still the whole how to get out issue. I keep trying to tell him but he doesn't listen. It may take months to actually get there. But at least I know. It doesn't make it not hurt. But it makes it hurt less.

Ah life

Dec. 20th, 2011 05:48 pm
mermaidblue: (Default)
..continues. Sometimes that's the hell of it and sometimes that's the beauty.

I am doing ok most of the time. Jason is still here. He's going to AA, and we start couples therapy next week. I'm beginning to have a small kernel of hope, but mostly I'm still at the " I just don't know" stage.

Jason will get straight, or not. On his own. I am no longer worrying about his health, his car, his drinking, or his job. He knows the rules, and if he breaks them he leaves. Full stop. I'll of course be devastated if that happens. But no point in worrying about that for now.

For myself, I have started going to Al-Anon. I don't want to, but I'm going. Of course I didn't want to end up here, but here I am. I'm learning a lot about how my father's drinking and my mother's co-dependence affected me. Sadly, since I was the one she became dependent on after she left my dad, I have more damage than my sibs despite the years of therapy and spiritual work I've already done.

I'm lucky to have my chosen family in GA, and some great friends in MA. Lots of people have taken the time in this crazy busy season to reach out and support me. I am truly humbly grateful for that.

I'd ask for clarity, but look what happened last time I did that! I don't know if Jason is the one anymore. maybe we've just been through too much. I don;t know if he can grow up enough to be my partner. I don't know if I can trust him enough to have kids with him. And I want them. We'll see.


Dec. 12th, 2011 03:03 pm
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I am not a strong person...or at least I don't feel like one. Especially on nights like this as I sit in the call room unable to sleep. (written at 4 AM) I can be alone and be happy. I can endure. But I do best when I have an anchor.

When I was little, I planned to travel all over the world, but even in my imaginary adventures I had a cottage to come home to. A small safe place to call my own that didn't change while I was gone. I have never in real life had that- a place of my own. Everywhere I've ever lived has either been temporary, rented, or shared with Jason. I wonder if I will ever have that place to call home.

Jason has been my home, and my anchor, for a long time. But reading over the last 7 years of journal entries (written the next day), some of the issues we are experiencing have been there from the start. He has never been a true partner. I have consistently asked him to be one...with improvement for a while and then backsliding and broken promises. Emotionally he has been wonderfully affirming and helpful...but not always available. He's been depressed for a long time, but refuses to deal with it. Our issues sometimes intersect in bad ways- he has me on an impossibly high pedestal and the fall will be horrific. His drinking has been getting worse, but he still think he can control it. In the end, I know he loves me but maybe that is not enough.

I still wish we could work things out...that he could be the man I want him to be. But he's not. And he may never be that man. So I need to look at where we are now, not where I want to be. I guess we'll see.
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I am at work, and things are quiet...but I still can't sleep.

I can't stop thinking about everything with Jason. I don't know what to do or how to let him go. I have no idea how to even begin untangling our lives.

Yes he is starting AA tomorrow and we have counseling in a couple of weeks. And I will try. But I have very little hope at this point. I don't know if I can ever trust him again.

All I can think about is the boy I fell in love with almost 8 years ago, who in some ways was more independent than the man I live with now. He wants to me to believe in him. And I don't know how.

well fuck

Dec. 9th, 2011 03:34 am
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To sum up in a song lyric:
"Well I guess that push has come to this, so I guess this must be shove." ~Ani DiFranco

Mostly I'm writing this because I know some of you worry. Also because I need some thing the fuck out of my head.

Right now I want to curl up in a ball and die. I would give anything right now to just stop thinking and feeling. Don't stress, I'm not actually suicidal...just at my breaking point. But what's a few more cracks, eh?

I found out that Jason was drinking when he visited his family in GA. Drinking enough to start vomiting blood, and then had more the next day hidden in Gatorade. Not only did he do, but when he came home he did not tell me.

This is a huge betrayal. I almost wish he had cheated on me instead. I think it would have hurt less. No one is perfect, but to lie...he had excuses but they are in the end only excuses. And I'm sick of those.

So we've reached the end of the options and chances and pathways. At this point it's join AA and never have another sip of alcohol, or leave. And he knows. I'll cross my fingers.

Hope may spring eternal, but it;s a very small stream at this point.
mermaidblue: (Default)
I know I've been quite remiss in posting here for the last few months. Sometimes there is so much to say I can't say any of it!

Overall, I'm fairly content here on Cape Cod. The house we are renting is nice, if small. The hot tub is a definite bonus! The animals are healthy. Jason has health insurance and a doctor! We are both working. I got a promotion in my job and am appreciated.

Finances continue to be challenging. I just paid off the $20,000 malpractice tail coverage, which should help but of course with the holidays, etc it will take a while to catch up. Jason's job helps a bit but not much.

Jason is not currently working in a kitchen. I have mixed feeling about this. He is around a lot less alcohol and is less depressed. But it still feels like a waste of a degree. The current plan is to but a tow-behind smoker and start his own BBQ business. Niche wise, it is great since there is no Q on Cape. Time wise, we'll see.

Relationship wise it's been a rough few months. Lots of internal stoof going on. Realizing I wanted kids. Questions about marriage. Questions about parenting. Anniversary reaction this month. J did agree to go to a couple's therapist with me. Hopefully it'll help us communicate better.

There is also a lot of fear related to Jason's health right now. After his pancreatitis we both hoped he'd get better and be fine. Sadly, it is not to be. His liver, cholesterol, and triglycerides are still off. He's in meds and improving his diet, but it makes me very very anxious both because I don't want to lose him and in the genetic sense. It's possible he's had this problem for years...and it may be inheritable.

I worry about many of my closest friends. There is so little I can do in many cases to help them other than just be present...but sometimes it doesn't feel like that is enough.

Have to go to bed at o'dark hundred tomorrow.


Nov. 23rd, 2011 03:47 pm
mermaidblue: (Default)
Originally posted by [ profile] kylecassidy at post
Via Citykitties (emphasis mine):

A good samaritan found this cat today in a gutter by Clark Park, half dead. He is now at the Cat Doctor with a body temperature of 90 (normal is 102) and blood PCV of 8. The Cat Doctor housecat, Diamond, is currently donating blood to save his life. During the exam, the vet found that this cat has a microchip. When called, his "owners" reported that he was acting sick, so they put him outside. If this makes you as angry as it makes us, please channel your anger in one of two ways: visit our website at and make a donation to help us pay for his care, or share this post and encourage others to do so.

Click to donate.

Add me: [LiveJournal] [Facebook] [Twitter] [Google+] [Tumblr]
mermaidblue: (Default)

There are a lot of those things in my life right now. Almost everything in fact.

The one thing that is relatively stable is money. Now great, but stable. Growing up being very poor, I've had to realize that money makes a lot of things easier...but it doesn't fix everything. Right now we're concentrating on paying off the $19 thousand in tail coverage and paying down the credit card balance from J's hospitalization.

The cars will need to be replaced in the next year or so, then there is the eventual house issue. If things don't even out with the Douglasville house, I don't know what I'm gonna do with it. Even after the refinance, we are still significantly underwater in the house. So far, the tenants have wanted repairs almost every month, meaning that I have only gotten the full rent one month out of the 5 so far. And even when I do get the full rent, it's still $200 less per month than the mortgage.

The job itself is good. The nurses like me. I'm getting along fine with my co-workers. The politics are of course what is killing me. The outside doctors seem to think they are running the show, putting the hospitalists last in terms of hours and shifts. The complaining is constant, mostly relating to the schedule. I try hard not tot take it personally, since I do the schedule, but fail most of the time.

Things with Jason are in suspension really. We've had several critical talks (no more drinking, time to grow up, etc) and so far it's going well, but I'm waiting to see if we can both make the changes we need to in order to make having a family possible. I'm not sure if I want kids at this point, but I know I don't want to marry someone that I could not have kids with. I need a partner, not a dependent. Jason is wonderful for me and to me in many, many ways but I need him to grow up and show that he can put other things before himself.

As for me, I have to stop just doing things that I need him to do. If I do them, then he doesn't even have a chance to get them done for me. I've let myself fall too much in to the caretaker role, and it's destroying our romantic relationship. This is at least as much my fault as J's. It's far too easy for me to fall in to old patterns and just take care of everything...which leaves me exhausted, exasperated and feeling like a martyr. I need to stop doing this to myself in all aspects of my life.

So, out to the hot tub in this harvest full moon go I!
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I'm not sure if this is true for everyone, or just a result of my perfectionism. But I've always had a struggle with what I think I'm supposed to do with my life and career, versus what I actually want from my life.

I guess I had it easy in my younger life. I always knew I wanted to be a doctor, so I didn't have the identity crisis of what to do with my life. Since the end of college, really, I've always had a choice between the high end path and the down to earth path. Do I do surgery, or pediatrics? Do I go to a big name school, or a more alternative school? Do I try for a career in academics or in the community? Specialize or generalist? How will I be remembered and how will I change the world? Can I change the world at all?

At every turn, I felt like I had to push as hard as possible, to reach as high, or higher, than I could. Luckily for me, the universe intervened and I didn't get my specialist career at a large academic center. Instead, I ended up in small primary care offices and eventually after many trials and much angst, here in the hospital on Cape Cod. It's much better than any of my previous jobs!

But what I realized recently, is that I don't really want to discover some big new theory or cure. I don't want to be famous or need recognition as being at the top of my field. Those things would be nice of course, but they would require me to give up things that I value more in the long run.

Instead I want a quiet life. It will probably not be of much note to the greater world, or even to those friends who live far away. It will not change the course of history, but perhaps it may shift the course of a few lives in positive ways. If in the pursuit of this goal, I end up running a program or something more high end along the way then that's fine....but it's not a goal of mine. I need to concentrate on making my life and the care I give my patients what I want them to be. The rest will follow...or not.


May. 18th, 2011 05:32 pm
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This morning, I received my Massachusetts medical license!!!

I start work tomorrow at 7 AM and have 3 shifts this week.

More later, for now I'll just bask in the glow of victory.

A request

May. 3rd, 2011 01:09 pm
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Those with the time and the inclination, please pray for me to the diety of your choice tomorrow morning about 10 AM. The final meeting/interview is then and I really need to start working again!
mermaidblue: (Default)
... we've arrived safe and sound in MA after a long but mostly good trip from Atlanta.

The few days of camping out here were basic but fine. The movers brought our things on the 18th, and I never thought we'd fit it al in this admittedly much smaller house. But so far, it's working. We're mostly unpacked and only a few small things are missing so far, but we'll hopefully find them as we organize and go through the last few boxes. Having given away many things before leaving Atlanta, we proceeded to replace the things we really needed and spent several days putting things together.

I've been mostly enjoying the time off and the settling in. After a few days of vibrating with excess energy and not sleeping well, J took me to the beach and when we got home about 3 PM I fell asleep until the next afternoon. When I finally woke up it was only for a few hous before I went back to bed and slept another 12 hours.

Unfortunately, not everything has been smooth sailing. The lady we hired to clean our house did not do so on time.By the time she did show up, the water had been turned off. So she came in and took our dryer, which we had told her was ok. And she took our washer, which she had not asked about. And she neglected to turn off the hookups, even though she knew the water was turned off. Several hours of water flowing into our house later, she arrived. This has led to the loss of the income from our tenants, damage to the house, and bills for the repairs. The insurance stuff is all happening slowly, but because she did the damage when we were not in the house, we can not get any coverage for the loss of income. Our property manager is doing the best she can to help out but needless to say it has been stressful and time consuming. Also expensive, at a time when we have no money to spare.

Then there is the continuing license crap. During the transition, another board meeting has passed with barely a word from the all powerful board. My paperwork reviews finally came back clear, and the file went on to the legal review. I got an email from the legal person today informing me that I had to come to the next board meeting to be interviewed. Not only is it on the other side of Boston at 10 AM, but it's next week. She seems to think that it's merely a formality, but I'm totally freaking out about this.

Still, we move forward. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
mermaidblue: (Default)
Arrived safely in Cape Cod.
mermaidblue: (Default)
On the road with the animals. Short stop in Statham GA before heading north to Philly. 

Well crap

Apr. 7th, 2011 12:19 am
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So, she lied and even though we moved heaven and earth to get all those papers there... no license yet until at least 2 more reviews.

But we're moving anyway with departure planned for the 13th, to get the universal ball moving and so we don't lose the tenant we have for the house here in GA.

I'm trying to look at it as a vacation on the beach. Trying and failing, but still trying.
mermaidblue: (Default)
Let me tell let me sum up.

No license means no move until I have it. No move means canceling the movers, not canceling the utilities, not renting the house out yet, and living without all the things we've given away. It also means more time to get the house in order, more time to sort through all out stuff, more time with beloved friends, and a break between finishing my locums work and actually moving. Not to mention more time to find a new place in MA .

Initially I was very upset that the sending of the wrong form delayed everything. And I still very much want to get moved and settle in. BUT I desperately need the break this lead time will provide. And it means we can look for our perfect place instead of settling for what we can get quickly. And as long as my license goes through next meeting, I'll only be starting a week later than planned.

It may mean a mad dash up by myself in a car while J follows after things have been loaded by the movers. But still, I get a break!
mermaidblue: (Default)
OK, someone please amuse me.

Another complicatrion with the license. If I think about my life anymore or have one more complication I will totally lose what's left of my mind. Can something just please go right so at least one thing is settled?
mermaidblue: (Default)
Black vinyl chair, needs reupholstering on the seat but structurally sound
Blue lazy-boy, tilts sideways but likely fixable if you are handy
rocking loveseat, antique- brown upholstery
loveseat- brown floral upholstery
desk- light wood, about 1.5-2 feet deep with 3 drawers
computer desk
mermaidblue: (Default)
Yes, yes a bit melodramatic. But so is my life recently. In the last 4 days, everything has gone a bit wonky on me. I really have no idea how to fix it, much less how to live through it successfully without losing the tiny bit that is left of my mind.

Here's the run down:
The license application that I was told was being sent in on 2/7 in fact was not sent in until 3/2. This alone would be enough to make my blood pressure rise since that leaves one meeting before my start date in which to get my license approved. BUT it turns out that Mass. has a policy of looking at all of your residency documents if anyone ever said anything negative about you in your entire career. Which means that I spent part of yesterday afternoon at the residency office practically begging for them to do the paperwork ASAP so that it gets there this week. They said they'd do their best.

This means that if it is not there in time, then I will not have my license until after the current start date, which means I also have to push the rentals both here and on the Cape back, and the movers as well. And hope that my contract does not get canceled in the meantime.

To top it all off, I got an email Monday morning saying that we might not have the place to live we'd been promised since late February. Still trying to work all of that out. I've spent a fair part of the last few days on the phone with the real estate agent looking at options on the condo and possibly another rental altogether. MEH!

Not only am I emotionally strained and organizationally challenged at this point, I've had a headache for 2 days now and all I want to do is sleep. But there's more work to be done so off we go! Oh, and back to Zebulon again tomorrow AM as well. *sigh*

To Do List

Mar. 3rd, 2011 10:08 am
mermaidblue: (Default)
In D'ville
-clean out upstairs
-paint front porch
-powerwash house
-powerwash driveway/sidewalk
-clean out basement/garage
-sort clothes/goodwill
-clean up back garden
-pull in hammock
-list furniture to give away/sell
-disconnect utilities
-stage/rent house
-fix screens

In Cape
-sign lease
-set up utilities
-change DEA address
-change address with hospital
-apply for Mass certificate
-change address on Mass license
-enroll in healthcare
-get J's healthcare
-start new job


Mar. 2nd, 2011 08:21 am
mermaidblue: (Default)
I accidentally left my phone in Douglasville when I'm in Zebulon, so if you need to get hold of me please email. No texts or messages will be answered until Friday evening.

More dazin

Feb. 9th, 2011 10:00 am
mermaidblue: (Default)
Hippo birdie to [ profile] amused_bouche. I am hnored to know you as family and as a fried. I hope you have a wonderful day!

My schedule

Feb. 9th, 2011 09:52 am
mermaidblue: (Default)
Several people have asked for the what, when, where's of my curent life. As you can imagine, with so much in flux, things can get a little crazy. None the less, Here's the broad outlines:

Saturday-Tuesday PM every week: In douglasville/ATL area.
Weds Am-Fri PM: In Zebulon, GA working
Potential move date March 26-31 depending on when our new place is available once we find one.

At this popint there are no further trips planned to fly/drive anywhere out of the Metro area until the move.

Things that need doing:
Close on the refinance.
Rent out my old house.
Sign on a new rental house.
Tons of yard work.
Paint the front porch.
Powerwash the entire house/driveway.
Schedule the movers.
Drive up to MA with the animals.

Let me know if you want to help with any of the above, but I know almost of you are moving/busy yourselves.

Feb bdaze

Feb. 9th, 2011 08:56 am
mermaidblue: (Default)
Sorry this is a bit late due to my Cape Cod trip, but hippo birdie to [ profile] ashlupa and [ profile] witchygreen! I hopt you both had fabulous days.
mermaidblue: (Default)
It feels incredibly selfish, but I've decided that I get one day a week where I only do what I want.

Just one day, and likely a rotating one given the chaos of my schedule, where I ignore the needs of everyone else (barring emergency) and concentrate on what my body and soul are telling me about my needs and desires.

No errands, no housework, no helping friends with non-emergent issues.

*sigh* This is gonna be hard.
mermaidblue: (Default)
So, I am now sitting in Zebulon, GA. Land of many kind people and no good coffee. Needless to say the lack of Espresso has made me drag my butt quite a bit the last few days. It does help that the doctor here very much wants to keep me full time. The fact that my last 3 assignments, all of which have been weeks long, have wanted to give me permanent position is very encouraging!

I really don't even know how to describe my current headspace. On one hand, I'm getting a lot done and doing pretty well with weight watchers. On the other hand I feel despair creeping up on me concerning how much there is still to be done and the multiple situations I can not positively affect for others. There are so many people I wish I could help but honestly there is not much I can do in most of these situations.

Money wise, we're about to hit a number of large outlays for house refinancing, apt rent, moving, etc. I have some money saved, but it's still a bit terrifying. We're also going to have to stop supporting financially the people that are living with us. Letting them live with us rent free is apparently not enough wiggle room for them to get their finances in order. J has been giving them his salary for the last 6 weeks to make ends meet, but at this point we need this money. He's also driving the wife to the job he got her pretty much every day, costing him free time and us a significant amount of gas money. I'm not sure he can say no to be honest though- this is his best friend in the world. Still it needs to be done. It's getting to the point that I am looking forward to moving just so we can be away from their constant needs.

I am totally avoiding even thinking about the fact that I will be leaving all of my chosen family top make this move. I've known for a while now that Atlanta is not my place, and have been staying for the people I love so much. But it's time.



Jan. 12th, 2011 05:09 am
mermaidblue: (Default)
This'll be a short one, since I'm only marginally what could be qualified as awake.

I swear this woman and her baby are determined I shall get no sleep at all. I was already so tired this (huh, I guess yesterday) evening that I contemplated bed with no dinner. I did eat a small meal and then crashed and was asleep by 7 or so.

At 9:30 I get the call to come in for an elective C-section because this woman is in labor and wants to have her section,which was scheduled for Thursday morning, now instead. So I toddled my way in in the 20 degree weather. I was in the OR changing room when I hear it was canceled. In the 15-20 minutes it took me, she changed her mind. I waited for another 10 or so minutes so I would have to turn around again and went back home. Sadly, I didn't fall back asleep for several hours.

I was called again a little while ago, about 0415, to come in because she was starting to push. So I am left with less than 6 hours sleep in toto, and a full clinic day tomorrow with no one else in the office. This is now day 44 without a day off, and they are trying to pressure me to stay an extra week. Not gonna happen. I have too much shit to get done at home.

Well, maybe I've already seen everyone who's sick considering how busy I've been? A girl can hope.


mermaidblue: (Default)

March 2013



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