mermaidblue

Well folks its been forever since I posted anything. Honestly, after med school and residency ended, both my parents died, and then my relationship fell apart I was spending far too much time just surviving to write anything.

The last few years have been a whirlwind of dating, moving, working far too much, and trying to keep up with the relationships that had lasted through all of the above.

Last spring (2017) I met a great guy, who supported me as I supported him and he helped me survive through a year of 24/7 call at a job that was becoming untenable...and then drove me to 9 or 10 fellowship interviews to get back to my first love in medicine, neonatology. I got a fellowship, found a new house, and though I was finally out from under my black cloud of choatic doom.

And then June and July hit. Not one or even two but 3 good friends were having serious health problems. The move was turning in to a shit show. An M and began having some serious issues 3 months after we tied the knot.

I wish I could say things have gotten better, but they haven't in a lot of ways. M and I are still struggling. My beautiful house in Pawtucket has not sold, for reasons unclear to everyone including my real estate agent. Majd may lose his work authorization for a second time in 2 years due to the fucker up USCIS response times, even though we're married now! Which leaves us in pretty major financial distress given the pay cut I had to take for fellowship. Add to that my car breaking, being back to working 80 hours a week, the continued demands for money from his family in Syria....

and last but not least I lost a dear dear friend on the day I started fellowship. This has thrown me back in to drowning in an ocean of grief....and more than likely I may lose another one soon.

How am I? I'm here. I don't know anything right now. Not if M and I will make it...or how we will get through this financially. Not how to process the seemingly never ending well of grief....not how t deal with it happening more and more often as I age. Not if I will ever get to have children or a true family. The list goes on...

But one thing I do know is I love my new career...and so far they seem to like me too! Silver lining to some giant lightening filled black clous but I'll take it

Ok, so I swear I've mentioned Brad before....but just to review.

So, back in late April or early May, I put myself up on eHarmony just to force myself to get back out there. I had filled out the profile but hadn't actually joined up, but there were a coupl of people who kept emailing me to talk to them, so I took the plunge.

Overall, eHarmony is not too bad...just a lot of work! I started talking to a couple of guys. And some of them turned from the scripted exchanges to actual emails, and then phone calls.

One of them was Brad. We went from emailing, to texting, to phone calls. We texted pretty much all day every day and talked every night for hours. We still do several months later.

So just after my birthday, we agreed to meet up. I was nervous, as you imagine...but it went very well. He came down for dinner and ended up visiting for 3 days. The chemistry is great. We get along fine. On my way back from sailing in Maine, I stopped to see him and he introduced me to his parents.

For those that want the vitals...he turns 38 in September. He has a bachelors from BU and and MBA from Southern Florida. He works in healthcare administration, and has worked at Children's in Philly and at DuPont Childrens as well. He hasn't been married and has no kids...he was engaged but it didn't work out and he moved back up to New England about the same time I broke up with Jason.

Right now he's rehabbing his parents house from the 1600s while he looks for a position up here. He's financially stable, and very chivalrous. Opens doors, gets the car when it's raining so I don't get wet, pays for everything...

I'm seeing him again next week. and he's texting me now. I'm cautiously optimistic but trying very hard not to fall too far or too fast.

So that's the skinny. I'm till on eHarmony. There are a few other people I'm talking with but nothing else even remotely serious.

As many of you know, Tiggr is my cat. I've had him ever since I graduated high school. aside from my brother and sister, he has known me longer than any living being. Tiggr was diagnosed with renal failure a few years ago. For a while he did fine. Other than drinking more he didn't even seem sick. But this spring, he got worse quickly. I put him in the hospital for a few days and got him tanked up, and he held on for a few weeks.

But in the last few days, he's stopped eating and has a harder time drinking, despite the medicines and subcutaneous fluids I've been giving him. 2 nights ago he was doing better after I gave him his IVF, but last night he could barely stand up. So I made him a nest in the bed room with a blanket, water and his litter box. Today he barely responding except to ask for ear scritches. So I called the vet. We go in at 12:30 to put him down. I could let him go on his own, but I don't want him to suffer.

So I guess that's that.

One of the things that always amazes me about life is how fast it can change....

It's only been 3 months, when we were together almost 8 years. It only took one sentence to go from pair bonded and engaged, thinking about houses and children....to single, alone, and perhaps never to be a mother.

It seems like so little time, and so much.

I'm getting to the point where I'm ok without him. Not happy. Not loved. But ok. I still miss the wonderful things we shared, the way he said bye with such adoration in his voice, the silly things he'd do just to make me smile or laugh...and of course my puppies. But it doesn't feel like a giant hole burning in the center of my stomach.

All the uncertainty and the fears are still there. I still don't believe I can find some better for me, but I'm starting to think I could find someone better to me. I still wonder if I'll ever get to have a child, and a family. I still don't think I'm that special.

But at least I'm no longer worried about things beyond my control or being lied to on a regular basis.

It's been a minute since I wrote much. Partly it's been work and partly busy...but mostly that most days I'm fairly content.

I have knitting group, and pottery class just finished. I'm planning to take a stained glass class next. I've had a few really good visits with friends here.

The doldrums of winter have been no fun at all. I'm still pretty up and down overall. Some days are good, and others not so much.

Going to my cousins place was great fun....but it did make me realize how very much I want a life like that. Their kids are fabulous, and I am apparently "incredible" with them and "diplomatic". LOL! So that threw me into a tailspin for a few days.

Of course, the anniversary of Tasha's death was also difficult. I still miss her horribly. The losses in my life seem to keep piling up...but sadly the gains not so much. Well, I guess my career is finally progressing, but otherwise *shrug*

Jason is still in touch and, as far as I know, still sober. We've had a few decent talks, and a few tough ones. He insists that none of this was my fault, but I'm sure there are things I could have done better. He still hopes we'll get back together someday, which may be possible but not right now. I'm ok with talking to him, but not ok with seeing him so my trip to GA in May will be unadvertised.

What's bothering me about the post-J world right now is that I'm still worried about whether he is drinking or not. I'd like to think I'm being selfless, but no...I want him to get better at least partly to prove that I wasn't wrong about believing in him.

The other disturbing shift I've noticed is that I'm starting to wonder about men I meet again. That's not bad in and of itself...after all eventually I'll start dating again. It's the way I look at them I don't like. I keep wondering if they could be "the one". Well, of course they can't! I don't even know them. It just strikes me as unhealthy.

Today was the fist really beautiful spring day we've had here....so I took it off, for the most part at least. I slept late, sat in the sun, thought about gardening, and took a nap.

Ta ta for now. bed time again!

into the future.

Things are a bit rough inside my head right now. I'm sad. I'm alone. I'm scared. Most of all I'm tired...of trying and fighting and hoping. Most of all of hoping.

But it seems to be an impossible habit to break so, what do I want?

I want a partner- someone who will make decisions with me, not who will make them for me or expect me to make them for him. Not everything obviously but the big ones.

I want someone with integrity. Who doesn't lie to me and know I won't lie to them. I'm not talking Radical Honesty here, just basic respect for me and for our relationship.

I want someone who loves me, wholeheartedly even though they admit I'm imperfect and frustrating and stubborn. Cuz I am.

I want someone I can trust without reservation. I don't want to wonder if he is drinking, or using drugs, or cheating on me.

I want someone who can balance his interests and our life together. Who has his own things that make him happy, that we can do together or not. I want to make him happy, and be happy with him but I don't want to be the sole source of his happiness.

I want someone who is emotionally available and comfortable with intimacy. Who knows himself, his issues, and his faults...and can address them as they come up as well as whatever issues we have as our relationship progresses. Cuz we will have them.

I want someone who wants me as I am, who wants a life with me and a family. Someone I don't have to fight to have a keep a place in his life. Who commits to our life together as his top priority.

Is this too much to ask?

...another post.

I am now thankfully on the last of my 10 days of work in 12 days. So of course, the pager started up as soon as I got in. At this point, I'm waiting on 2 admissions both of whom are likely fine but need watching. There's also a baby who may need to stay an extra day for observation and one woman in labor. Hopefully I can catch 6 hrs of sleep before rounds, a meeting, and a personal training appointment. Then I crash!

Emotionally, I had a good few days but the doldrums returned this morning. It may just be exhaustion, but all the usual doubts about whether I'll ever meet my partner, have kids, etc surfaced. There's nothing wrong with my life right now besides loneliness, but sometimes it is overwhelming especially when I think it may stay this way.

It won't of course. Even since J left things have changed significantly. He's getting help- counseling and AA. So far it's working even through its only been a couple of weeks. Too bad he had to destroy our relationship before he could accept help but that's the way it is.

So I guess I'm just trying to put my mind back together, as well as my life. I go to Al-anon occasionally for whatever I can learn. I'm doing a lot of reading on philosophy, self-improvement etc for whatever that is worth. I'm going to the personal trainer 2x a week and trying to keep myself busy. Which is proving to be very frustrating as I'm not losing any weight even though I'm losing inches and getting stronger-blech!

We'll see.

Ever so slowly, things have been getting better...or at least progressing. Until last Friday that is. Two things.

Number one is that I was actually actively happy for a little while. I was making dinner and listening to jazz. I managed to make bread for the first time since he left. I was even dancing in the kitchen for a while.

Second, it was Jesse's birthday this weekend. This is important for 2 reasons. First, I missed it for the first time in years. And 2nd because Bev posted pictures on Facebook of the birthday party including J. I stared at them for a while, and then since I was already sad I decided to clean out the pictures on my computer.

The actual cleaning out was not that bad, but looking at the expressions on his face over the years just hurt so bad. I could see how much he loved me in those photos. And how much I loved him. And the life we had together, good and bad.

It's not that love isn't enough. I've known that for as long as I can remember. In some ways it helped to know that it was real, that I didn't imagine the good times before as well as the bad times after.

I know I did the right thing. That nothing I did or did not do could change his path once he went down it. That he still loves me as much as he can....and that we can't be together. I know that the man I love may be gone forever, and that in this case it is stronger to let him go and let the goddess take care of him.

It's the fear that's getting to me. I know no one will ever love me that way again because they won't be him, but I fear that no one will ever love me that much again. That by giving up on him, I missed my last chance at a family and love and home. And that I'm having trouble getting over.

Today was mostly good.

I was on all last night and actually got to sleep! So I stayed up all day.

Mostly I watched "Big Bang Theory" and laughed! Dishes, laundry, minor shopping, and more window sealing against the cold also got done.

Tomorrow some friends are coming over to help me move the bed out of the old bedroom and pack up some of J's stuff. The comes the sage, the painting, and the rearranging.

Sadly, wandering around Hyannis running errands just made me think of J. He haunted the book store, the Bed Bath & Beyond, even the grocery store. If I though we could have an honest conversation I'd call him to debrief... try and figure out what part I may have played in this farce. But given that I'm pretty sure he stole some things just because he knew I cared about them and that I know he went and bought alcohol, that's likely impossible.

I muddle on. I read, I learn, I recognize some ingrained behaviors in myself. I still don't want to look at men, or have them interested in me. I have some angry letters to write. And a lot of healing to do.

Maybe someday I'll meet someone else and have a family. Or maybe not. And I need to learn to be ok with both possibilities.

So I'm eating pizza for dinner, and drinking champagne to toast new beginnings. The veil plan includes hot tub soaks, reading fiction, and a fire just for me. Oh, and I bought myself some more flowers as well!

...round & round.

Life is a bit chaotic right now. I'm working a lot, which in a sense is good. It's a distraction and time out of the house. But it is hard sometimes to see happy families with brand new babies, when what feels like my last chance at that life is gone. Note I said feels, not is. I realize the logical fallacy, it just doesn't change the feeling.

Actually, that is probably the central tenet of my life right now. The difference between what is and how it feels. I feel sad, angry, betrayed, and bereft. I grieve for the life we had planned and the Jason I used to know. But the man I've been living with the last few months, not so much. I miss the dogs horribly and pray they will be safe with him. But neither their well being or J's recovery are my responsibility.

What is my responsibility is figuring out how I might have enabled him, and making sure I never do so again.

What is my responsibility if rebuilding my life as I want it to be, regardless of the circumstances around me.

What is my responsibility is taking good care of myself, both physically, emotionally, and mentally.

What is my responsibility is keeping this from affecting my job and career.

What is my responsibility is how I let this affect me and figuring out what I do want in a relationship when I'm recovered enough to have one.

Oh yeah, and I have whiskey in the house again!!!

Friday the 13th did turn out to be a f*ed up day. But not for expected reasons.

My gym training appointment go canceled at the last minute.

Jason woke up sober, so I took the opportunity to talk to him about some things. Apparently he is leaving in the next week. He's going to his mother's but lied and said he didn't know where he is going. He also said he didn't know if he'd have a safe place for the dogs, though I know his mom would never let them suffer. More emotional blackmail. But we did get the issue of what he is and isn't taking with him talked through with very few snags. He's driving, so he can't take all of his things. He still has to let me know what he wants done with them and about his ticket to Wales.

On a more emotional level, I tried to make it clear that while I care about him and still see all the things I love about him, they are all buried underneath his disease. I tried to separate him from his disease... but he still kept talking about how he was trying and it wasn't enough. We both cried a lot and agreed that we didn't blame each other but were just in a place where it couldn't work. He kept asking what he could do for me. I refrained from saying grow the hell up and get help.

Then I went to see a movie with my co-worker Cynthia. Which I told Jason was the gym appt since he hates here and I don't need the drama. Not good, I know. But ever so functional right now.

When I came back he and I were supposed to go to Barnes and Noble to get his paycheck. But he was passed out having drunk 2/3 L of vodka. So I had an extended snuggle session with the puppies and caught up on TV until about 11P. Sleep was had- decent sleep actually.

This morning I got up early to go to the rescheduled gym appt. It was pretty good. I'm not as weak as I thought, but there were some surprising deficiencies. I tried to get my car back form the shop after that, but they were closed with their hours listed neither on the website, voice mail, or door. So instead I went to the bank and got a few steps closer to separating the finances.

When I got back from all that, J asked me to go to lunch with him. I had a work related lunch meeting, so said no. It went fine...may actually lead to some new friends. Got home and spent most of the afternoon watching the hilarious Big Bang theory. In the course of the afternoon, I told him if he wanted to do something for me he could clean up his vomit before he left. Jason got us Chinese for dinner to repay the pizza I bought last week. I was going to pay him the difference in the cost, but then found he'd had about 1 L of my gin.

The fact that since Sunday he has had 4 L of vodka and 1 L of gin without dying makes me think he's been binging every time I've left him alone for quite a while. And that's without me trying to monitor what he's taking- just the obvious evidence- could be more. Not the evidence I would prefer but more proof that I am doing the right things as much as it hurts.

I tried to warn his mom but her response was "he's getting it out of his system before he comes here." Not much hope there. But not my problem anymore either. Whatever he doesn't take with him I'll sell or ship before I start rearranging furniture, painting, etc. One way or the other he will be out of my house, if not my heart, within a month.

So far I have:

Gotten off the joint credit card account.
Gotten a 2nd credit card in my name.
Opened my own bank account.
Cancelled my direct deposit into the joint account. I'll get a live check instead.
Moved all of my personal items out of the bedroom, because I don't want to sleep in that bed.
Gotten all of my important paper and jewelry together. I'll be taking them to a safe place today.
Told my boss and the landlord in case thing go wahooni shaped.
Gone to a couple of al-anon meetings.
Have 4 places I can go if needs be.


I don't think I am in any physical danger. The emotional torture is exquisitely awful, but he is looking into going back to Georgia so I think he will leave at some point.

I don't know what's gonna happen with the dogs, but have a safe place I can send them if needs be as well.

I can't be his wife. I want to be. I want to be so badly. But I just can't do it.

Jason is a wonderful man in many ways. I love his company. We have lots of fun together. He makes me laugh every day. He loves me whole-heartedly. And he has made amazing progress as a person while we have been together.

But he is not capable of having an emotionally intimate relationship at this point in his life. He doesn't know how to be a partner. Even if he never took another drink again, this would still be true.

And that's ok. He is who he is. But he's not who I need in my life. I need someone who relishes life. Someone who has his own adventures as well as adventures with me. Someone who will talk to me so that I don't feel like I'm beating my head against a wall.

Jason could be that person, but he isn't right now. And he may never be.

Of course, there is still the whole how to get out issue. I keep trying to tell him but he doesn't listen. It may take months to actually get there. But at least I know. It doesn't make it not hurt. But it makes it hurt less.

I am not a strong person...or at least I don't feel like one. Especially on nights like this as I sit in the call room unable to sleep. (written at 4 AM) I can be alone and be happy. I can endure. But I do best when I have an anchor.

When I was little, I planned to travel all over the world, but even in my imaginary adventures I had a cottage to come home to. A small safe place to call my own that didn't change while I was gone. I have never in real life had that- a place of my own. Everywhere I've ever lived has either been temporary, rented, or shared with Jason. I wonder if I will ever have that place to call home.

Jason has been my home, and my anchor, for a long time. But reading over the last 7 years of journal entries (written the next day), some of the issues we are experiencing have been there from the start. He has never been a true partner. I have consistently asked him to be one...with improvement for a while and then backsliding and broken promises. Emotionally he has been wonderfully affirming and helpful...but not always available. He's been depressed for a long time, but refuses to deal with it. Our issues sometimes intersect in bad ways- he has me on an impossibly high pedestal and the fall will be horrific. His drinking has been getting worse, but he still think he can control it. In the end, I know he loves me but maybe that is not enough.

I still wish we could work things out...that he could be the man I want him to be. But he's not. And he may never be that man. So I need to look at where we are now, not where I want to be. I guess we'll see.

To sum up in a song lyric:
"Well I guess that push has come to this, so I guess this must be shove." ~Ani DiFranco

Mostly I'm writing this because I know some of you worry. Also because I need some thing the fuck out of my head.

Right now I want to curl up in a ball and die. I would give anything right now to just stop thinking and feeling. Don't stress, I'm not actually suicidal...just at my breaking point. But what's a few more cracks, eh?

I found out that Jason was drinking when he visited his family in GA. Drinking enough to start vomiting blood, and then had more the next day hidden in Gatorade. Not only did he do, but when he came home he did not tell me.

This is a huge betrayal. I almost wish he had cheated on me instead. I think it would have hurt less. No one is perfect, but to lie...he had excuses but they are in the end only excuses. And I'm sick of those.

So we've reached the end of the options and chances and pathways. At this point it's join AA and never have another sip of alcohol, or leave. And he knows. I'll cross my fingers.

Hope may spring eternal, but it;s a very small stream at this point.

Originally posted by kylecassidy at post

I'm not sure if this is true for everyone, or just a result of my perfectionism. But I've always had a struggle with what I think I'm supposed to do with my life and career, versus what I actually want from my life.

I guess I had it easy in my younger life. I always knew I wanted to be a doctor, so I didn't have the identity crisis of what to do with my life. Since the end of college, really, I've always had a choice between the high end path and the down to earth path. Do I do surgery, or pediatrics? Do I go to a big name school, or a more alternative school? Do I try for a career in academics or in the community? Specialize or generalist? How will I be remembered and how will I change the world? Can I change the world at all?

At every turn, I felt like I had to push as hard as possible, to reach as high, or higher, than I could. Luckily for me, the universe intervened and I didn't get my specialist career at a large academic center. Instead, I ended up in small primary care offices and eventually after many trials and much angst, here in the hospital on Cape Cod. It's much better than any of my previous jobs!

But what I realized recently, is that I don't really want to discover some big new theory or cure. I don't want to be famous or need recognition as being at the top of my field. Those things would be nice of course, but they would require me to give up things that I value more in the long run.

Instead I want a quiet life. It will probably not be of much note to the greater world, or even to those friends who live far away. It will not change the course of history, but perhaps it may shift the course of a few lives in positive ways. If in the pursuit of this goal, I end up running a program or something more high end along the way then that's fine....but it's not a goal of mine. I need to concentrate on making my life and the care I give my patients what I want them to be. The rest will follow...or not.

Those with the time and the inclination, please pray for me to the diety of your choice tomorrow morning about 10 AM. The final meeting/interview is then and I really need to start working again!

Arrived safely in Cape Cod.

So, she lied and even though we moved heaven and earth to get all those papers there... no license yet until at least 2 more reviews.

But we're moving anyway with departure planned for the 13th, to get the universal ball moving and so we don't lose the tenant we have for the house here in GA.

I'm trying to look at it as a vacation on the beach. Trying and failing, but still trying.

OK, someone please amuse me.

Another complicatrion with the license. If I think about my life anymore or have one more complication I will totally lose what's left of my mind. Can something just please go right so at least one thing is settled?

Yes, yes a bit melodramatic. But so is my life recently. In the last 4 days, everything has gone a bit wonky on me. I really have no idea how to fix it, much less how to live through it successfully without losing the tiny bit that is left of my mind.

Here's the run down:
The license application that I was told was being sent in on 2/7 in fact was not sent in until 3/2. This alone would be enough to make my blood pressure rise since that leaves one meeting before my start date in which to get my license approved. BUT it turns out that Mass. has a policy of looking at all of your residency documents if anyone ever said anything negative about you in your entire career. Which means that I spent part of yesterday afternoon at the residency office practically begging for them to do the paperwork ASAP so that it gets there this week. They said they'd do their best.

This means that if it is not there in time, then I will not have my license until after the current start date, which means I also have to push the rentals both here and on the Cape back, and the movers as well. And hope that my contract does not get canceled in the meantime.

To top it all off, I got an email Monday morning saying that we might not have the place to live we'd been promised since late February. Still trying to work all of that out. I've spent a fair part of the last few days on the phone with the real estate agent looking at options on the condo and possibly another rental altogether. MEH!

Not only am I emotionally strained and organizationally challenged at this point, I've had a headache for 2 days now and all I want to do is sleep. But there's more work to be done so off we go! Oh, and back to Zebulon again tomorrow AM as well. *sigh*

I accidentally left my phone in Douglasville when I'm in Zebulon, so if you need to get hold of me please email. No texts or messages will be answered until Friday evening.

Several people have asked for the what, when, where's of my curent life. As you can imagine, with so much in flux, things can get a little crazy. None the less, Here's the broad outlines:

Saturday-Tuesday PM every week: In douglasville/ATL area.
Weds Am-Fri PM: In Zebulon, GA working
Potential move date March 26-31 depending on when our new place is available once we find one.

At this popint there are no further trips planned to fly/drive anywhere out of the Metro area until the move.

Things that need doing:
Close on the refinance.
Rent out my old house.
Sign on a new rental house.
Tons of yard work.
Paint the front porch.
Powerwash the entire house/driveway.
Schedule the movers.
Drive up to MA with the animals.

Let me know if you want to help with any of the above, but I know almost of you are moving/busy yourselves.

It feels incredibly selfish, but I've decided that I get one day a week where I only do what I want.

Just one day, and likely a rotating one given the chaos of my schedule, where I ignore the needs of everyone else (barring emergency) and concentrate on what my body and soul are telling me about my needs and desires.

No errands, no housework, no helping friends with non-emergent issues.

*sigh* This is gonna be hard.