things make you go
Sep. 12th, 2011 09:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mermaidbluehmmmmmmmmm....
There are a lot of those things in my life right now. Almost everything in fact.
The one thing that is relatively stable is money. Now great, but stable. Growing up being very poor, I've had to realize that money makes a lot of things easier...but it doesn't fix everything. Right now we're concentrating on paying off the $19 thousand in tail coverage and paying down the credit card balance from J's hospitalization.
The cars will need to be replaced in the next year or so, then there is the eventual house issue. If things don't even out with the Douglasville house, I don't know what I'm gonna do with it. Even after the refinance, we are still significantly underwater in the house. So far, the tenants have wanted repairs almost every month, meaning that I have only gotten the full rent one month out of the 5 so far. And even when I do get the full rent, it's still $200 less per month than the mortgage.
The job itself is good. The nurses like me. I'm getting along fine with my co-workers. The politics are of course what is killing me. The outside doctors seem to think they are running the show, putting the hospitalists last in terms of hours and shifts. The complaining is constant, mostly relating to the schedule. I try hard not tot take it personally, since I do the schedule, but fail most of the time.
Things with Jason are in suspension really. We've had several critical talks (no more drinking, time to grow up, etc) and so far it's going well, but I'm waiting to see if we can both make the changes we need to in order to make having a family possible. I'm not sure if I want kids at this point, but I know I don't want to marry someone that I could not have kids with. I need a partner, not a dependent. Jason is wonderful for me and to me in many, many ways but I need him to grow up and show that he can put other things before himself.
As for me, I have to stop just doing things that I need him to do. If I do them, then he doesn't even have a chance to get them done for me. I've let myself fall too much in to the caretaker role, and it's destroying our romantic relationship. This is at least as much my fault as J's. It's far too easy for me to fall in to old patterns and just take care of everything...which leaves me exhausted, exasperated and feeling like a martyr. I need to stop doing this to myself in all aspects of my life.
So, out to the hot tub in this harvest full moon go I!
There are a lot of those things in my life right now. Almost everything in fact.
The one thing that is relatively stable is money. Now great, but stable. Growing up being very poor, I've had to realize that money makes a lot of things easier...but it doesn't fix everything. Right now we're concentrating on paying off the $19 thousand in tail coverage and paying down the credit card balance from J's hospitalization.
The cars will need to be replaced in the next year or so, then there is the eventual house issue. If things don't even out with the Douglasville house, I don't know what I'm gonna do with it. Even after the refinance, we are still significantly underwater in the house. So far, the tenants have wanted repairs almost every month, meaning that I have only gotten the full rent one month out of the 5 so far. And even when I do get the full rent, it's still $200 less per month than the mortgage.
The job itself is good. The nurses like me. I'm getting along fine with my co-workers. The politics are of course what is killing me. The outside doctors seem to think they are running the show, putting the hospitalists last in terms of hours and shifts. The complaining is constant, mostly relating to the schedule. I try hard not tot take it personally, since I do the schedule, but fail most of the time.
Things with Jason are in suspension really. We've had several critical talks (no more drinking, time to grow up, etc) and so far it's going well, but I'm waiting to see if we can both make the changes we need to in order to make having a family possible. I'm not sure if I want kids at this point, but I know I don't want to marry someone that I could not have kids with. I need a partner, not a dependent. Jason is wonderful for me and to me in many, many ways but I need him to grow up and show that he can put other things before himself.
As for me, I have to stop just doing things that I need him to do. If I do them, then he doesn't even have a chance to get them done for me. I've let myself fall too much in to the caretaker role, and it's destroying our romantic relationship. This is at least as much my fault as J's. It's far too easy for me to fall in to old patterns and just take care of everything...which leaves me exhausted, exasperated and feeling like a martyr. I need to stop doing this to myself in all aspects of my life.
So, out to the hot tub in this harvest full moon go I!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-13 01:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-13 02:14 am (UTC)I also, as the high priestess of the church of the hydro-nautos, approve of your current course of treatment.
and a bit jealous of you and the moon...
(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-13 02:14 am (UTC)Whether it is good news or bad, I am always happy to hear you speak.
Enjoy that hot tub. It is a beautiful night, which I am going out to enjoy myself. I will raise a prayer in the smoke for your beginnings and endings, dear sister.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-13 04:17 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-13 04:41 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-09-13 10:37 pm (UTC)