A Quiet Life

[mermaidblue]

I'm not sure if this is true for everyone, or just a result of my perfectionism. But I've always had a struggle with what I think I'm supposed to do with my life and career, versus what I actually want from my life.

I guess I had it easy in my younger life. I always knew I wanted to be a doctor, so I didn't have the identity crisis of what to do with my life. Since the end of college, really, I've always had a choice between the high end path and the down to earth path. Do I do surgery, or pediatrics? Do I go to a big name school, or a more alternative school? Do I try for a career in academics or in the community? Specialize or generalist? How will I be remembered and how will I change the world? Can I change the world at all?

At every turn, I felt like I had to push as hard as possible, to reach as high, or higher, than I could. Luckily for me, the universe intervened and I didn't get my specialist career at a large academic center. Instead, I ended up in small primary care offices and eventually after many trials and much angst, here in the hospital on Cape Cod. It's much better than any of my previous jobs!

But what I realized recently, is that I don't really want to discover some big new theory or cure. I don't want to be famous or need recognition as being at the top of my field. Those things would be nice of course, but they would require me to give up things that I value more in the long run.

Instead I want a quiet life. It will probably not be of much note to the greater world, or even to those friends who live far away. It will not change the course of history, but perhaps it may shift the course of a few lives in positive ways. If in the pursuit of this goal, I end up running a program or something more high end along the way then that's fine....but it's not a goal of mine. I need to concentrate on making my life and the care I give my patients what I want them to be. The rest will follow...or not.

Comments

[wanderingastray.livejournal.com]

I think that's really smart and healthy of you. You don't have to *try* to change the world to actually change it. Maybe they'll never put your name on a building? But to the people you help, you'll be so much better than that.

This is beautiful.

[waywalker.livejournal.com]

I love that you have this mindset. It's part of what makes you a good doctor, and a good friend.

Aho

[paidiraiompair.livejournal.com]

Lear, ocean's child, the mighty sea always finds roots in the still quiet of a mountain stream....

[ama3x3.livejournal.com]

dear Lear, the people who really change the world are the ones who put their energy into the day-to-day change that loving care and modest pride of a job well done provide. you will affect more lives in a positive manner with this attitude. probably beyond your wildest dreams. great mystery has placed you where s/he thinks you will do the most good. I'm proud to have you as a sisterfriend.
xo
Ama

[copykitty.livejournal.com]

hrm, there's no "like" button here. :)

[chaosbuzz.livejournal.com]

From one doctor to another-I wish you all the happiness in the world