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Friday the 13th did turn out to be a f*ed up day. But not for expected reasons.

My gym training appointment go canceled at the last minute.

Jason woke up sober, so I took the opportunity to talk to him about some things. Apparently he is leaving in the next week. He's going to his mother's but lied and said he didn't know where he is going. He also said he didn't know if he'd have a safe place for the dogs, though I know his mom would never let them suffer. More emotional blackmail. But we did get the issue of what he is and isn't taking with him talked through with very few snags. He's driving, so he can't take all of his things. He still has to let me know what he wants done with them and about his ticket to Wales.

On a more emotional level, I tried to make it clear that while I care about him and still see all the things I love about him, they are all buried underneath his disease. I tried to separate him from his disease... but he still kept talking about how he was trying and it wasn't enough. We both cried a lot and agreed that we didn't blame each other but were just in a place where it couldn't work. He kept asking what he could do for me. I refrained from saying grow the hell up and get help.

Then I went to see a movie with my co-worker Cynthia. Which I told Jason was the gym appt since he hates here and I don't need the drama. Not good, I know. But ever so functional right now.

When I came back he and I were supposed to go to Barnes and Noble to get his paycheck. But he was passed out having drunk 2/3 L of vodka. So I had an extended snuggle session with the puppies and caught up on TV until about 11P. Sleep was had- decent sleep actually.

This morning I got up early to go to the rescheduled gym appt. It was pretty good. I'm not as weak as I thought, but there were some surprising deficiencies. I tried to get my car back form the shop after that, but they were closed with their hours listed neither on the website, voice mail, or door. So instead I went to the bank and got a few steps closer to separating the finances.

When I got back from all that, J asked me to go to lunch with him. I had a work related lunch meeting, so said no. It went fine...may actually lead to some new friends. Got home and spent most of the afternoon watching the hilarious Big Bang theory. In the course of the afternoon, I told him if he wanted to do something for me he could clean up his vomit before he left. Jason got us Chinese for dinner to repay the pizza I bought last week. I was going to pay him the difference in the cost, but then found he'd had about 1 L of my gin.

The fact that since Sunday he has had 4 L of vodka and 1 L of gin without dying makes me think he's been binging every time I've left him alone for quite a while. And that's without me trying to monitor what he's taking- just the obvious evidence- could be more. Not the evidence I would prefer but more proof that I am doing the right things as much as it hurts.

I tried to warn his mom but her response was "he's getting it out of his system before he comes here." Not much hope there. But not my problem anymore either. Whatever he doesn't take with him I'll sell or ship before I start rearranging furniture, painting, etc. One way or the other he will be out of my house, if not my heart, within a month.

Current Mood: efficient
Current Location: couch
Current Music: puppies and kitty snoring
Crossposts: http://mermaidblue.livejournal.com/392773.html

When did pain become the status quo?

I can hardly imagine not hurting. I know I won't hurt at some point. I guess that's the silver lining to losing both my parents...I know the Owie will get better. But I have no idea how I will ever get there. I've not only lost the man I love but the puppies I adore, the life we planned, and my house for now since he's been there and drunk most of the time.

I still can't imagine a person better suited to me with all my weirdness than the J I met and loved for 5 years. But I also can't imagine doing this for the rest of my life. He was sober last night and that was almost worse. I could see my Jason under there, but I don't know when or if he will ever come back. There are so many things I wish I could say to him and have them be heard. But I know he can't hear them now.

I wish the knowledge that I'm doing the right thing made this easier....but it doesn't make it feel any better.

Current Mood: anxious
Crossposts: http://mermaidblue.livejournal.com/392639.html

So far I have:

Gotten off the joint credit card account.
Gotten a 2nd credit card in my name.
Opened my own bank account.
Cancelled my direct deposit into the joint account. I'll get a live check instead.
Moved all of my personal items out of the bedroom, because I don't want to sleep in that bed.
Gotten all of my important paper and jewelry together. I'll be taking them to a safe place today.
Told my boss and the landlord in case thing go wahooni shaped.
Gone to a couple of al-anon meetings.
Have 4 places I can go if needs be.

I don't think I am in any physical danger. The emotional torture is exquisitely awful, but he is looking into going back to Georgia so I think he will leave at some point.

I don't know what's gonna happen with the dogs, but have a safe place I can send them if needs be as well.

Current Mood: determined
Crossposts: http://mermaidblue.livejournal.com/392407.html

When I got home last night after two twelve hour shifts and in the middle of a 14 hr shift, Jason was acting strange. He said he just woken up. I got pagedby the ER and of course he wanted to talk then. We start to talk things out but after a while I had to go to the ER. He was crying and threatening to pack, but agreed to wait an hour for me to come back to finish talking.

When I got home he was asleep in the bed. I was eating some leftovers and about to go to bed myself when he fell out of the bed, knocking over the fan. Then he threw up all over the bathroom and it smelled like alcohol. So I went in the kitchen, where I found a glass that looked like juice but tasted like alcohol.

I confronted him this morning and he lied again. So I broke it off.

I've told him what furniture he can have, etc. I've given him half the savings, but am no longer paying any of his bills. I told him I'd give him a week or 2 to figure out a place to stay, but he says his name is on the lease so I have to talk to the landlord.

I have to work 10 hrs today. Will also be looking in to a new bank account and getting myself off the 1 shared credit card. It may take a little longer to move my direct deposit and get the joint bank account taken care of as well. Lord only knows what he'll choose to do about the dogs.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Location: Pain D'avignon, Hyannis
Crossposts: http://mermaidblue.livejournal.com/391970.html

I can't be his wife. I want to be. I want to be so badly. But I just can't do it.

Jason is a wonderful man in many ways. I love his company. We have lots of fun together. He makes me laugh every day. He loves me whole-heartedly. And he has made amazing progress as a person while we have been together.

But he is not capable of having an emotionally intimate relationship at this point in his life. He doesn't know how to be a partner. Even if he never took another drink again, this would still be true.

And that's ok. He is who he is. But he's not who I need in my life. I need someone who relishes life. Someone who has his own adventures as well as adventures with me. Someone who will talk to me so that I don't feel like I'm beating my head against a wall.

Jason could be that person, but he isn't right now. And he may never be.

Of course, there is still the whole how to get out issue. I keep trying to tell him but he doesn't listen. It may take months to actually get there. But at least I know. It doesn't make it not hurt. But it makes it hurt less.

Current Mood: resigned
Crossposts: http://mermaidblue.livejournal.com/391716.html

..continues. Sometimes that's the hell of it and sometimes that's the beauty.

I am doing ok most of the time. Jason is still here. He's going to AA, and we start couples therapy next week. I'm beginning to have a small kernel of hope, but mostly I'm still at the " I just don't know" stage.

Jason will get straight, or not. On his own. I am no longer worrying about his health, his car, his drinking, or his job. He knows the rules, and if he breaks them he leaves. Full stop. I'll of course be devastated if that happens. But no point in worrying about that for now.

For myself, I have started going to Al-Anon. I don't want to, but I'm going. Of course I didn't want to end up here, but here I am. I'm learning a lot about how my father's drinking and my mother's co-dependence affected me. Sadly, since I was the one she became dependent on after she left my dad, I have more damage than my sibs despite the years of therapy and spiritual work I've already done.

I'm lucky to have my chosen family in GA, and some great friends in MA. Lots of people have taken the time in this crazy busy season to reach out and support me. I am truly humbly grateful for that.

I'd ask for clarity, but look what happened last time I did that! I don't know if Jason is the one anymore. maybe we've just been through too much. I don;t know if he can grow up enough to be my partner. I don't know if I can trust him enough to have kids with him. And I want them. We'll see.

I am not a strong person...or at least I don't feel like one. Especially on nights like this as I sit in the call room unable to sleep. (written at 4 AM) I can be alone and be happy. I can endure. But I do best when I have an anchor.

When I was little, I planned to travel all over the world, but even in my imaginary adventures I had a cottage to come home to. A small safe place to call my own that didn't change while I was gone. I have never in real life had that- a place of my own. Everywhere I've ever lived has either been temporary, rented, or shared with Jason. I wonder if I will ever have that place to call home.

Jason has been my home, and my anchor, for a long time. But reading over the last 7 years of journal entries (written the next day), some of the issues we are experiencing have been there from the start. He has never been a true partner. I have consistently asked him to be one...with improvement for a while and then backsliding and broken promises. Emotionally he has been wonderfully affirming and helpful...but not always available. He's been depressed for a long time, but refuses to deal with it. Our issues sometimes intersect in bad ways- he has me on an impossibly high pedestal and the fall will be horrific. His drinking has been getting worse, but he still think he can control it. In the end, I know he loves me but maybe that is not enough.

I still wish we could work things out...that he could be the man I want him to be. But he's not. And he may never be that man. So I need to look at where we are now, not where I want to be. I guess we'll see.

Current Mood: disappointed

I am at work, and things are quiet...but I still can't sleep.

I can't stop thinking about everything with Jason. I don't know what to do or how to let him go. I have no idea how to even begin untangling our lives.

Yes he is starting AA tomorrow and we have counseling in a couple of weeks. And I will try. But I have very little hope at this point. I don't know if I can ever trust him again.

All I can think about is the boy I fell in love with almost 8 years ago, who in some ways was more independent than the man I live with now. He wants to me to believe in him. And I don't know how.

Current Mood: drained

To sum up in a song lyric:
"Well I guess that push has come to this, so I guess this must be shove." ~Ani DiFranco

Mostly I'm writing this because I know some of you worry. Also because I need some thing the fuck out of my head.

Right now I want to curl up in a ball and die. I would give anything right now to just stop thinking and feeling. Don't stress, I'm not actually suicidal...just at my breaking point. But what's a few more cracks, eh?

I found out that Jason was drinking when he visited his family in GA. Drinking enough to start vomiting blood, and then had more the next day hidden in Gatorade. Not only did he do, but when he came home he did not tell me.

This is a huge betrayal. I almost wish he had cheated on me instead. I think it would have hurt less. No one is perfect, but to lie...he had excuses but they are in the end only excuses. And I'm sick of those.

So we've reached the end of the options and chances and pathways. At this point it's join AA and never have another sip of alcohol, or leave. And he knows. I'll cross my fingers.

Hope may spring eternal, but it;s a very small stream at this point.

Current Mood: discouraged

I know I've been quite remiss in posting here for the last few months. Sometimes there is so much to say I can't say any of it!

Overall, I'm fairly content here on Cape Cod. The house we are renting is nice, if small. The hot tub is a definite bonus! The animals are healthy. Jason has health insurance and a doctor! We are both working. I got a promotion in my job and am appreciated.

Finances continue to be challenging. I just paid off the $20,000 malpractice tail coverage, which should help but of course with the holidays, etc it will take a while to catch up. Jason's job helps a bit but not much.

Jason is not currently working in a kitchen. I have mixed feeling about this. He is around a lot less alcohol and is less depressed. But it still feels like a waste of a degree. The current plan is to but a tow-behind smoker and start his own BBQ business. Niche wise, it is great since there is no Q on Cape. Time wise, we'll see.

Relationship wise it's been a rough few months. Lots of internal stoof going on. Realizing I wanted kids. Questions about marriage. Questions about parenting. Anniversary reaction this month. J did agree to go to a couple's therapist with me. Hopefully it'll help us communicate better.

There is also a lot of fear related to Jason's health right now. After his pancreatitis we both hoped he'd get better and be fine. Sadly, it is not to be. His liver, cholesterol, and triglycerides are still off. He's in meds and improving his diet, but it makes me very very anxious both because I don't want to lose him and in the genetic sense. It's possible he's had this problem for years...and it may be inheritable.

I worry about many of my closest friends. There is so little I can do in many cases to help them other than just be present...but sometimes it doesn't feel like that is enough.

Have to go to bed now...work at o'dark hundred tomorrow.

Current Mood: groggy

Originally posted by

kylecassidy at post

Via Citykitties (emphasis mine):

A good samaritan found this cat today in a gutter by Clark Park, half dead. He is now at the Cat Doctor with a body temperature of 90 (normal is 102) and blood PCV of 8. The Cat Doctor housecat, Diamond, is currently donating blood to save his life. During the exam, the vet found that this cat has a microchip. When called, his "owners" reported that he was acting sick, so they put him outside. If this makes you as angry as it makes us, please channel your anger in one of two ways: visit our website at www.citykitties.org and make a donation to help us pay for his care, or share this post and encourage others to do so.

Click to donate.

Add me: [LiveJournal] [Facebook] [Twitter] [Google+] [Tumblr]

Current Mood: pissed off

hmmmmmmmmm....

There are a lot of those things in my life right now. Almost everything in fact.

The one thing that is relatively stable is money. Now great, but stable. Growing up being very poor, I've had to realize that money makes a lot of things easier...but it doesn't fix everything. Right now we're concentrating on paying off the $19 thousand in tail coverage and paying down the credit card balance from J's hospitalization.

The cars will need to be replaced in the next year or so, then there is the eventual house issue. If things don't even out with the Douglasville house, I don't know what I'm gonna do with it. Even after the refinance, we are still significantly underwater in the house. So far, the tenants have wanted repairs almost every month, meaning that I have only gotten the full rent one month out of the 5 so far. And even when I do get the full rent, it's still $200 less per month than the mortgage.

The job itself is good. The nurses like me. I'm getting along fine with my co-workers. The politics are of course what is killing me. The outside doctors seem to think they are running the show, putting the hospitalists last in terms of hours and shifts. The complaining is constant, mostly relating to the schedule. I try hard not tot take it personally, since I do the schedule, but fail most of the time.

Things with Jason are in suspension really. We've had several critical talks (no more drinking, time to grow up, etc) and so far it's going well, but I'm waiting to see if we can both make the changes we need to in order to make having a family possible. I'm not sure if I want kids at this point, but I know I don't want to marry someone that I could not have kids with. I need a partner, not a dependent. Jason is wonderful for me and to me in many, many ways but I need him to grow up and show that he can put other things before himself.

As for me, I have to stop just doing things that I need him to do. If I do them, then he doesn't even have a chance to get them done for me. I've let myself fall too much in to the caretaker role, and it's destroying our romantic relationship. This is at least as much my fault as J's. It's far too easy for me to fall in to old patterns and just take care of everything...which leaves me exhausted, exasperated and feeling like a martyr. I need to stop doing this to myself in all aspects of my life.

So, out to the hot tub in this harvest full moon go I!

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Location: Tv room
Current Music: Design Star finale

I'm not sure if this is true for everyone, or just a result of my perfectionism. But I've always had a struggle with what I think I'm supposed to do with my life and career, versus what I actually want from my life.

I guess I had it easy in my younger life. I always knew I wanted to be a doctor, so I didn't have the identity crisis of what to do with my life. Since the end of college, really, I've always had a choice between the high end path and the down to earth path. Do I do surgery, or pediatrics? Do I go to a big name school, or a more alternative school? Do I try for a career in academics or in the community? Specialize or generalist? How will I be remembered and how will I change the world? Can I change the world at all?

At every turn, I felt like I had to push as hard as possible, to reach as high, or higher, than I could. Luckily for me, the universe intervened and I didn't get my specialist career at a large academic center. Instead, I ended up in small primary care offices and eventually after many trials and much angst, here in the hospital on Cape Cod. It's much better than any of my previous jobs!

But what I realized recently, is that I don't really want to discover some big new theory or cure. I don't want to be famous or need recognition as being at the top of my field. Those things would be nice of course, but they would require me to give up things that I value more in the long run.

Instead I want a quiet life. It will probably not be of much note to the greater world, or even to those friends who live far away. It will not change the course of history, but perhaps it may shift the course of a few lives in positive ways. If in the pursuit of this goal, I end up running a program or something more high end along the way then that's fine....but it's not a goal of mine. I need to concentrate on making my life and the care I give my patients what I want them to be. The rest will follow...or not.

This morning, I received my Massachusetts medical license!!!

I start work tomorrow at 7 AM and have 3 shifts this week.

More later, for now I'll just bask in the glow of victory.

Current Mood: triumphant

Those with the time and the inclination, please pray for me to the diety of your choice tomorrow morning about 10 AM. The final meeting/interview is then and I really need to start working again!

... we've arrived safe and sound in MA after a long but mostly good trip from Atlanta.

The few days of camping out here were basic but fine. The movers brought our things on the 18th, and I never thought we'd fit it al in this admittedly much smaller house. But so far, it's working. We're mostly unpacked and only a few small things are missing so far, but we'll hopefully find them as we organize and go through the last few boxes. Having given away many things before leaving Atlanta, we proceeded to replace the things we really needed and spent several days putting things together.

I've been mostly enjoying the time off and the settling in. After a few days of vibrating with excess energy and not sleeping well, J took me to the beach and when we got home about 3 PM I fell asleep until the next afternoon. When I finally woke up it was only for a few hous before I went back to bed and slept another 12 hours.

Unfortunately, not everything has been smooth sailing. The lady we hired to clean our house did not do so on time.By the time she did show up, the water had been turned off. So she came in and took our dryer, which we had told her was ok. And she took our washer, which she had not asked about. And she neglected to turn off the hookups, even though she knew the water was turned off. Several hours of water flowing into our house later, she arrived. This has led to the loss of the income from our tenants, damage to the house, and bills for the repairs. The insurance stuff is all happening slowly, but because she did the damage when we were not in the house, we can not get any coverage for the loss of income. Our property manager is doing the best she can to help out but needless to say it has been stressful and time consuming. Also expensive, at a time when we have no money to spare.

Then there is the continuing license crap. During the transition, another board meeting has passed with barely a word from the all powerful board. My paperwork reviews finally came back clear, and the file went on to the legal review. I got an email from the legal person today informing me that I had to come to the next board meeting to be interviewed. Not only is it on the other side of Boston at 10 AM, but it's next week. She seems to think that it's merely a formality, but I'm totally freaking out about this.

Still, we move forward. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Current Mood: scared

Arrived safely in Cape Cod.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: Cape Cod
Current Music: excited puppy yips

On the road with the animals. Short stop in Statham GA before heading north to Philly.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Location: J's car
Current Music: Journey- Forever Yours

So, she lied and even though we moved heaven and earth to get all those papers there... no license yet until at least 2 more reviews.

But we're moving anyway with departure planned for the 13th, to get the universal ball moving and so we don't lose the tenant we have for the house here in GA.

I'm trying to look at it as a vacation on the beach. Trying and failing, but still trying.

Let me tell .......no let me sum up.

No license means no move until I have it. No move means canceling the movers, not canceling the utilities, not renting the house out yet, and living without all the things we've given away. It also means more time to get the house in order, more time to sort through all out stuff, more time with beloved friends, and a break between finishing my locums work and actually moving. Not to mention more time to find a new place in MA .

Initially I was very upset that the sending of the wrong form delayed everything. And I still very much want to get moved and settle in. BUT I desperately need the break this lead time will provide. And it means we can look for our perfect place instead of settling for what we can get quickly. And as long as my license goes through next meeting, I'll only be starting a week later than planned.

It may mean a mad dash up by myself in a car while J follows after things have been loaded by the movers. But still, I get a break!

OK, someone please amuse me.

Another complicatrion with the license. If I think about my life anymore or have one more complication I will totally lose what's left of my mind. Can something just please go right so at least one thing is settled?

Black vinyl chair, needs reupholstering on the seat but structurally sound
Blue lazy-boy, tilts sideways but likely fixable if you are handy
rocking loveseat, antique- brown upholstery
loveseat- brown floral upholstery
desk- light wood, about 1.5-2 feet deep with 3 drawers
computer desk

Current Mood: busy

Yes, yes a bit melodramatic. But so is my life recently. In the last 4 days, everything has gone a bit wonky on me. I really have no idea how to fix it, much less how to live through it successfully without losing the tiny bit that is left of my mind.

Here's the run down:
The license application that I was told was being sent in on 2/7 in fact was not sent in until 3/2. This alone would be enough to make my blood pressure rise since that leaves one meeting before my start date in which to get my license approved. BUT it turns out that Mass. has a policy of looking at all of your residency documents if anyone ever said anything negative about you in your entire career. Which means that I spent part of yesterday afternoon at the residency office practically begging for them to do the paperwork ASAP so that it gets there this week. They said they'd do their best.

This means that if it is not there in time, then I will not have my license until after the current start date, which means I also have to push the rentals both here and on the Cape back, and the movers as well. And hope that my contract does not get canceled in the meantime.

To top it all off, I got an email Monday morning saying that we might not have the place to live we'd been promised since late February. Still trying to work all of that out. I've spent a fair part of the last few days on the phone with the real estate agent looking at options on the condo and possibly another rental altogether. MEH!

Not only am I emotionally strained and organizationally challenged at this point, I've had a headache for 2 days now and all I want to do is sleep. But there's more work to be done so off we go! Oh, and back to Zebulon again tomorrow AM as well. *sigh*

Current Mood: harried

In D'ville
-clean out upstairs
-paint front porch
-powerwash house
-powerwash driveway/sidewalk
-clean out basement/garage
-sort clothes/goodwill
-clean up back garden
-pull in hammock
-list furniture to give away/sell
-disconnect utilities
-stage/rent house
-fix screens

In Cape
-sign lease
-set up utilities
-change DEA address
-change address with hospital
-apply for Mass certificate
-change address on Mass license
-enroll in healthcare
-get J's healthcare
-unpack
-start new job

Current Mood: overwhelmed

I accidentally left my phone in Douglasville when I'm in Zebulon, so if you need to get hold of me please email. No texts or messages will be answered until Friday evening.

Current Mood: disappointed

Hippo birdie to

amused_bouche. I am hnored to know you as family and as a fried. I hope you have a wonderful day!

Several people have asked for the what, when, where's of my curent life. As you can imagine, with so much in flux, things can get a little crazy. None the less, Here's the broad outlines:

Saturday-Tuesday PM every week: In douglasville/ATL area.
Weds Am-Fri PM: In Zebulon, GA working
Potential move date March 26-31 depending on when our new place is available once we find one.

At this popint there are no further trips planned to fly/drive anywhere out of the Metro area until the move.

Things that need doing:
Close on the refinance.
Rent out my old house.
Sign on a new rental house.
Tons of yard work.
Paint the front porch.
Powerwash the entire house/driveway.
Schedule the movers.
Drive up to MA with the animals.

Let me know if you want to help with any of the above, but I know almost of you are moving/busy yourselves.

Current Mood: busy
Current Location: Zebulon GA

Sorry this is a bit late due to my Cape Cod trip, but hippo birdie to

ashlupa and

witchygreen! I hopt you both had fabulous days.

It feels incredibly selfish, but I've decided that I get one day a week where I only do what I want.

Just one day, and likely a rotating one given the chaos of my schedule, where I ignore the needs of everyone else (barring emergency) and concentrate on what my body and soul are telling me about my needs and desires.

No errands, no housework, no helping friends with non-emergent issues.

*sigh* This is gonna be hard.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Location: basement couch
Current Music: F**ing Perfect-Pink

So, I am now sitting in Zebulon, GA. Land of many kind people and no good coffee. Needless to say the lack of Espresso has made me drag my butt quite a bit the last few days. It does help that the doctor here very much wants to keep me full time. The fact that my last 3 assignments, all of which have been weeks long, have wanted to give me permanent position is very encouraging!

I really don't even know how to describe my current headspace. On one hand, I'm getting a lot done and doing pretty well with weight watchers. On the other hand I feel despair creeping up on me concerning how much there is still to be done and the multiple situations I can not positively affect for others. There are so many people I wish I could help but honestly there is not much I can do in most of these situations.

Money wise, we're about to hit a number of large outlays for house refinancing, apt rent, moving, etc. I have some money saved, but it's still a bit terrifying. We're also going to have to stop supporting financially the people that are living with us. Letting them live with us rent free is apparently not enough wiggle room for them to get their finances in order. J has been giving them his salary for the last 6 weeks to make ends meet, but at this point we need this money. He's also driving the wife to the job he got her pretty much every day, costing him free time and us a significant amount of gas money. I'm not sure he can say no to be honest though- this is his best friend in the world. Still it needs to be done. It's getting to the point that I am looking forward to moving just so we can be away from their constant needs.

I am totally avoiding even thinking about the fact that I will be leaving all of my chosen family top make this move. I've known for a while now that Atlanta is not my place, and have been staying for the people I love so much. But it's time.

mOER

Current Mood: crazy

This'll be a short one, since I'm only marginally what could be qualified as awake.

I swear this woman and her baby are determined I shall get no sleep at all. I was already so tired this (huh, I guess yesterday) evening that I contemplated bed with no dinner. I did eat a small meal and then crashed and was asleep by 7 or so.

At 9:30 I get the call to come in for an elective C-section because this woman is in labor and wants to have her section,which was scheduled for Thursday morning, now instead. So I toddled my way in in the 20 degree weather. I was in the OR changing room when I hear it was canceled. In the 15-20 minutes it took me, she changed her mind. I waited for another 10 or so minutes so I would have to turn around again and went back home. Sadly, I didn't fall back asleep for several hours.

I was called again a little while ago, about 0415, to come in because she was starting to push. So I am left with less than 6 hours sleep in toto, and a full clinic day tomorrow with no one else in the office. This is now day 44 without a day off, and they are trying to pressure me to stay an extra week. Not gonna happen. I have too much shit to get done at home.

Well, maybe I've already seen everyone who's sick considering how busy I've been? A girl can hope.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Location: Hospital
Current Music: baby monitor

.... first real post in quite a while.

How am I doing. OK, I guess. Frankly, I'm exhausted from 40 days without a single day off and very little uninterrupted sleep. But I'm plugging along and getting ready to go home at the end of the week. There are lots of things I'll miss about Machias- the natural beauty, the great people, my quiet little oasis of an apartment. But I don't think I could do this long term without a partner to split the call with.

Money wise things are pretty good. I;m carefully putting away a portion of my salary for taxes next year so I don't get caught out. I did manage after a fair amount of legwork to get the house refinance through yesterday. It'll mean coming out of pocket with some cash, but it'll get us a lower interest rate and a payment that is much closer to what we can rent the house for. We'll still be taking a small loss every month, especially after we pay the property management agency, but it'll be a lot better and make things easier in MA.

As far as the job transition goes, I've done everything I need to do and at this point we are just waiting on my MA license and credentialing at the hospital. From talking to my new coworker, it sounds like she and the hospital will be very glad to have another full time hospitalist there. I need to brush up on some emergency procedures though, since I haven't done some things since residency.

Jason and I are fine, just tired of being apart. I miss the puppies horribly and think that I'd slide in to depression if I was without all of them for much longer.

I did take a fairly significant leap for myself and join weight watchers last week. I really did not want to, in fact think about it still makes me feel a bit queasy. I've tried so many things over the years, and if this one doesn't work either I don't know what I'll do with myself. Once I have health insurance again, I'll go to a dietician, etc and get my thyroid rechecked as well. But so far, I haven't had any trouble staying within the point values. I do need to be more active as well, although I've gotten in at least one activity point a day.

I find myself being very emotional of late. I'm not really sure why. There's nothing really wrong per se. But little things seem to be hitting me harder than I'd expect or in unusual ways. My brain just won't quiet down, but there's so much going on I CAN'T SEEM TO PROCESS MY WAY THROUGH ANY ONE THING. Like, why should weight watchers bother me? Why do I suddenly miss Tasha so much? Why does it seem like everything I have to do before we move is piled up so high I'll never get to the bottom?

I know these changes are for the good, that I'll never fit in medicine in Georgia. If there's anything that proves that, it's how much everyone likes me here in Maine. But there are so many people I'll miss, and so many thing I wish were different.

And I can't change any of them.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: Machias, ME

I really really wish I could take at least one or 2 of these cats, but the evilness of Tiggr prevents me.

If you have room in your life or love to gove please seen this post and provide a home for these gorgeous cats whose owner recently died of cancer.

Please repost and boost as much as possible!

Current Mood: overwhelmed by teh cute!

I realized that I've hardly written anything here lately, and certainly nothing of substance. I've been reading everything, and commenting at times but not sharing.

Mostly that's been because things in Northern ME are pretty darn quiet, but not entirely. There's a lot of flux in my life right now and I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming. The To Do list is truly horrific, and rather than write about it I've just been letting things filter inside my head.

Also, I'm starting to try to deal with my major psych issues, and this too is not easy. I'm finally (for the first time in about 7 years) in a place where I can stop moving from crisis to crisis and start living my life. Harder to do than type sadly. And if I'm going to move forward and be myself, rather than any of the people expected of me, I have to deal with my past as it affects me now.

So, while things will be a bit more interesting here, they are also to be darker, more rambling, and intensely emotional. Feel free to de-friend if you feel the need.

It FINALLY exists! although admittedly not in the cartoon form.

My Xmas gifting will be delayed due to being in Maine for 5-6 weeks.

I don't expect anyone to get em anything, but if you feel the need/desire here's my wish list at a wide variety of price points:

make a wish!

Anyone in the ATL wake to come see Cake with my on 1/18?

Current Mood: excited

we weave when we dare to make a plan!

People keep asking how I am, and accusing me of being quiet. I never know what to say. There is a lot going on, but none of it is simple.

I am working some locum tenens work. For those of you not in medicine, that means fill in jobs for doctors who are on vacation or locations that can't get someone to work there full time. It's been enough to pay the bills and hopefully will continue to be so. I does means a large amount of time away from home, about 1/2 the month in varying size chunks. It's not easy on either Jason or I. I have an even longer 4-6 week assignment in Maine in December and January, so I'll be missing the Holidays and away from my family and friends for a long time. But, I can't argue with the pay, so *shrug* we make due.

Money, therefore, is ok but not great. We can make ends meet, but there is very little wiggle room, especially since we have Jason's 2 best friends, their 2 dogs, 2 ferrets, and a sugar glider living with us. We did think about saying no, but they really had no where else to go except to live out of his car. So we had to get the upstairs A/C fixed and some other things that cost a fair amount. Plus they aren't giving us any rent, just covering their utilities. Oh, and I foolishly let her drive my car, so of course she promptly hit someone. Hopefully it won't affect my insurance rates as it's the only at fault incident in over 7 yrs with this company and it wasn't even me! But either way, I'm out the $500 deductible.

The job search continues, and in a certain sense I've been very lucky. I've gotten tons of interviews, and a few offers. Sadly, the job I really wanted said no with an excuse that according to a corporate wise friend of mine (thx

durthorin translates as "too expensive to get you up here and you won't bring any patients with you" so I guess we just keep going. I am not going to uproot everyone and leave all my friends for anything less than the perfect job!

Socially, things are ok. The interviewing often leads people to ask where in the world I am that day. Add in the weeks away from home, and I'm not seeing people as much as I'd like for being technically unemployed. I haven't even gotten to meet

sibylla's new dog yet ! *pout* Hopefully, I can make that up in the 2 wks off I have coming up (around Thanksgiving) before I head off to Maine.

Mentally, I've very up and down. November is always a tough month anyway. The anniversaries of both my parent's deaths and the loss of my kitten, MoonPie, make it tough regardless of any other occurrences. The job loss and being stranded for over 6 hrs in Logan Boston airport did not help. For the first time in several years, I wanted to give up and hibernate after crying for a few hours. So of course, when I got home, Jason proposed!!!

This has, as you can imagine, vastly improved my mood. :D When I got home, everything seemed normal. The puppies were yipping and barking. Jason and Chuck were putting together a table. I staggered up to the bedroom, and put my suitcase down and was chatting with Brandy about little things, and I he said "I just have one question." When I turned around, there he was on one knee with the ring. Of course I teared up, and said yes...twice I think! He stood up and hugged me and then put the ring on my finger.

Here's a picture:

Apparently the evil plan was to invite 12-15 people over, and surprise me when I got home. He'd gotten brunswick stew, baked beans, and barbecue for everyone to eat to have a small party afterward. Sadly, my being stranded in Logan ruined that plan...but it was still a wonderful surprise!

So I guess things are ok but not great, except the ring of course. :D

Current Mood: finally!

I owe you guys a real post. Sorry but it won't be tonight, less I explode.

Definitely worth reading, but it makes me sad .

There's a lot going on in my life right now, and I feel t times like I have 3 full time jobs, plus social stuff.

First of all my work continues to be quite hectic. I'm still seeing 25-30 patients a day, getting out between 5:30 and 6 PM most nights. Also, I'm still signing off on charts for the new doctor. Since school is about to start, there are as well school forms for myself, the new doctor, and the fill in doctor all of which I have to do. Then Friday my boss gave me research to do for him. :P

Then their is my second job, aka finding a new job. I've been pretty much continuously looking for the last month or so. This also involves lots of emails, phone calls, and trying to set up interviews in the 5 days off I have for the rest of the year. Frankly, I've not finding much in the Atlanta area...so then there is all the moving, timing, selling the house, etc bull**** that goes along with that fact. But I keep waking up saying "I just want to go home" even when I'm at our house. So I guess it's time.

Right now the best prospect I have is on Cape Cod, where I was born. So if you can and would like to, please send up thoughts/prayers/candles that I can get that job if it is where the gods want me to be.

Of course, there is also the house, which might as well be another full time job. Almost every second I'm not doing one of the above things, I'm working on the house and/or garden. With Jason working 4 days a week, I'm having to do a lot more at home even though he is still helping out.

As far as the animals, the dogs are just fine and Tiggr seems to be doing ok despite his early stage renal failure. He's lost a lot of weight despite the special diet.

Jason's health is another big thing right now, but not something I seem to be able to get anywhere with. I've tried 5 ways to Sunday to get him evaluated, but no luck. He hasn't had any episodes in a while, but I'm still worried about him. Quite worried actually.

My health seems to be fine, except all the dieting and exercising are NOT working. I'm very very frustrated about that. Also, I'm having to get a lot of dental work done, which is both time consuming and expensive.

Money is about the only thing that is solidly and regularly ok right now. My job my suck but at least it pays well. I'm able to do what we need to and extend some help to others when they need it. Which is great, but doesn't alleviate the fact that almost every one I know is in a bad situation of one sort or another. I know that this is just the way the world is right now, but unremitting misery sure does wear on the soul somewhat. especially since most of the time there is very little if anything I can damn well do.

So no deep thoughts here, really. But that's my current life.

Current Mood: tired

I tend not to talk much about race. Yes, I am white. I am also female and outspoken and living in the South. These things balance in strange ways, when they balance instead of falling over crashing to the ground.

I'm not going to talk now either. But this is a very well thought out, well written piece. via

nounsandverbs

Edit: link fixed. Sorry!

Happy Mother's Day to all you mom's out there. You have the hardest job in the world.

Leaving on a cruise in the AM. Officially out of touch via twitter, facebook, email, and phone for the next week. Texts might or might not reach me. Take care y'all!

X-posted from

irana to reach as many people as possible:

This is

mermaidblue writing in

irana's journal. Sadly this will be the last post in this journal, though the journal itself will be left up in perpetuity.

I honestly don't know how to even being to write this post, much less what to say. It feels presumptuous to even attempt to write in this space.

Tasha was so much better at expressing herself via the written word than I will ever be. She had a gift for making characters that felt real and compelling. But, in real life, it was Tasha herself who was compelling. The very first time I met her, it was a random drop by at a mutual friend's house. We hit it off almost instantaneously, forming the "Big Tittie Committee" on the spot, with an secret boobshake no less! I don't really remember what was said in specific, just the enormous fun we had. People were drawn to her, like a moth to a flame. She often did not realize that she made an impression, but no one who met her ever forgot her ardent opinions on just about everything.

Over the next years, she and her family became an integral and essential part if my life. I couldn't even being to list the things we shared. She saw me through the death of both my parents in a rather short period, and the meeting of the love of my life. I sat with her through some of the darkest nights of her soul, and her joy as we watched her daughter grow. I haunted the hospital when she was went in to heart failure and through her remarkable recovery. If we didn't talk for a week or see each other for a few weeks, I knew something was up. And half the time, when we did call it was met with an "I was just thinking about you!" on the other end of the line.

Some of my best memories of her are of random small events. Driving in the chill December night with the top of my car down and both the heat and the music up at full blast. Shopping silliness at Dragon*con, trying on corsets that transformed me in to the Boob Fairy. Absolutely cracking up with that amazing laugh of hers intertwined with my giggles. Bouncing frantically in front of the pirate ship, trying to get picked for a great deal on a katana. Many a phone call in the wee hours from both ends, when we just couldn't handle something in our lives alone. Sitting on my porch drinking wine and discussing absolutely everything . Some of the things I know can never be spoken aloud to any other soul, but I value the confidence she had in me when she shared them.

But the most important thing about Tasha is that she never, ever gave up. Things had been very hard multiple times in her life, but she never stopped hoping and believing that things would get better. She met every day as a new challenge, and lived each moment to the fullest of her ability. She always had an open heart and a place in it for a new friend, a new adventure, or a new love. Her physical beauty was astounding, but didn't even begin to compare to her joie de vivre and her strength. She was my best friend in the entire world.

I, as with so many others, will miss her more than I could ever say. There is a hole in my life and my heart that will never heal. And there are no words for that.

Current Mood: bereft

If you can find it, you really must get you some of this:

absolutely wonderful beer!

Definitely the best beer I have ever had... ever, ever, ever!

Sadly only available in limited quantities once a year, and excitingly different every single year!

If you at all like classical music or piano music or history, you must listen to this:

More poignant than you can imagine!

The difference is like listening to Japanese bubble pop and then hearing Ella Fitzgerald.