Ah life

Dec. 20th, 2011 05:48 pm
mermaidblue: (Default)
[personal profile] mermaidblue
..continues. Sometimes that's the hell of it and sometimes that's the beauty.

I am doing ok most of the time. Jason is still here. He's going to AA, and we start couples therapy next week. I'm beginning to have a small kernel of hope, but mostly I'm still at the " I just don't know" stage.

Jason will get straight, or not. On his own. I am no longer worrying about his health, his car, his drinking, or his job. He knows the rules, and if he breaks them he leaves. Full stop. I'll of course be devastated if that happens. But no point in worrying about that for now.

For myself, I have started going to Al-Anon. I don't want to, but I'm going. Of course I didn't want to end up here, but here I am. I'm learning a lot about how my father's drinking and my mother's co-dependence affected me. Sadly, since I was the one she became dependent on after she left my dad, I have more damage than my sibs despite the years of therapy and spiritual work I've already done.

I'm lucky to have my chosen family in GA, and some great friends in MA. Lots of people have taken the time in this crazy busy season to reach out and support me. I am truly humbly grateful for that.

I'd ask for clarity, but look what happened last time I did that! I don't know if Jason is the one anymore. maybe we've just been through too much. I don;t know if he can grow up enough to be my partner. I don't know if I can trust him enough to have kids with him. And I want them. We'll see.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-20 11:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sibylla.livejournal.com
*hugs* I know I said that it doesn't feel like being brave or strong when it's the only choice you have, but it doesn't mean that you're not brave or strong - only that you *feel* you aren't. You most assuredly are, and I love you for it.

Just FYI

Date: 2011-12-21 09:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] paidiraiompair.livejournal.com
I am so very very proud of you.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-23 03:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sophocles.livejournal.com
I've been thinking a lot about you lately. If you need an ear let me know. Jason always struck me as a good guy- although I'm not defending him because I haven't consistently been around you too in, well ever.

Things will work out. I have faith.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-23 06:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] philitre.livejournal.com
I'm very proud of you, too.

Sometimes growth means cutting a wide swath to make room for other things. It does feel bare and scary when we cut that swath but the parched earth mellows with time to a blooming meadow.

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