.... first real post in quite a while.

How am I doing. OK, I guess. Frankly, I'm exhausted from 40 days without a single day off and very little uninterrupted sleep. But I'm plugging along and getting ready to go home at the end of the week. There are lots of things I'll miss about Machias- the natural beauty, the great people, my quiet little oasis of an apartment. But I don't think I could do this long term without a partner to split the call with.

Money wise things are pretty good. I;m carefully putting away a portion of my salary for taxes next year so I don't get caught out. I did manage after a fair amount of legwork to get the house refinance through yesterday. It'll mean coming out of pocket with some cash, but it'll get us a lower interest rate and a payment that is much closer to what we can rent the house for. We'll still be taking a small loss every month, especially after we pay the property management agency, but it'll be a lot better and make things easier in MA.

As far as the job transition goes, I've done everything I need to do and at this point we are just waiting on my MA license and credentialing at the hospital. From talking to my new coworker, it sounds like she and the hospital will be very glad to have another full time hospitalist there. I need to brush up on some emergency procedures though, since I haven't done some things since residency.

Jason and I are fine, just tired of being apart. I miss the puppies horribly and think that I'd slide in to depression if I was without all of them for much longer.

I did take a fairly significant leap for myself and join weight watchers last week. I really did not want to, in fact think about it still makes me feel a bit queasy. I've tried so many things over the years, and if this one doesn't work either I don't know what I'll do with myself. Once I have health insurance again, I'll go to a dietician, etc and get my thyroid rechecked as well. But so far, I haven't had any trouble staying within the point values. I do need to be more active as well, although I've gotten in at least one activity point a day.

I find myself being very emotional of late. I'm not really sure why. There's nothing really wrong per se. But little things seem to be hitting me harder than I'd expect or in unusual ways. My brain just won't quiet down, but there's so much going on I CAN'T SEEM TO PROCESS MY WAY THROUGH ANY ONE THING. Like, why should weight watchers bother me? Why do I suddenly miss Tasha so much? Why does it seem like everything I have to do before we move is piled up so high I'll never get to the bottom?

I know these changes are for the good, that I'll never fit in medicine in Georgia. If there's anything that proves that, it's how much everyone likes me here in Maine. But there are so many people I'll miss, and so many thing I wish were different.

And I can't change any of them.

I realized that I've hardly written anything here lately, and certainly nothing of substance. I've been reading everything, and commenting at times but not sharing.

Mostly that's been because things in Northern ME are pretty darn quiet, but not entirely. There's a lot of flux in my life right now and I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming. The To Do list is truly horrific, and rather than write about it I've just been letting things filter inside my head.

Also, I'm starting to try to deal with my major psych issues, and this too is not easy. I'm finally (for the first time in about 7 years) in a place where I can stop moving from crisis to crisis and start living my life. Harder to do than type sadly. And if I'm going to move forward and be myself, rather than any of the people expected of me, I have to deal with my past as it affects me now.

So, while things will be a bit more interesting here, they are also to be darker, more rambling, and intensely emotional. Feel free to de-friend if you feel the need.

My Xmas gifting will be delayed due to being in Maine for 5-6 weeks.

I don't expect anyone to get em anything, but if you feel the need/desire here's my wish list at a wide variety of price points:

make a wish!

we weave when we dare to make a plan!


People keep asking how I am, and accusing me of being quiet. I never know what to say. There is a lot going on, but none of it is simple.

I am working some locum tenens work. For those of you not in medicine, that means fill in jobs for doctors who are on vacation or locations that can't get someone to work there full time. It's been enough to pay the bills and hopefully will continue to be so. I does means a large amount of time away from home, about 1/2 the month in varying size chunks. It's not easy on either Jason or I. I have an even longer 4-6 week assignment in Maine in December and January, so I'll be missing the Holidays and away from my family and friends for a long time. But, I can't argue with the pay, so *shrug* we make due.

Money, therefore, is ok but not great. We can make ends meet, but there is very little wiggle room, especially since we have Jason's 2 best friends, their 2 dogs, 2 ferrets, and a sugar glider living with us. We did think about saying no, but they really had no where else to go except to live out of his car. So we had to get the upstairs A/C fixed and some other things that cost a fair amount. Plus they aren't giving us any rent, just covering their utilities. Oh, and I foolishly let her drive my car, so of course she promptly hit someone. Hopefully it won't affect my insurance rates as it's the only at fault incident in over 7 yrs with this company and it wasn't even me! But either way, I'm out the $500 deductible.

The job search continues, and in a certain sense I've been very lucky. I've gotten tons of interviews, and a few offers. Sadly, the job I really wanted said no with an excuse that according to a corporate wise friend of mine (thx durthorin translates as "too expensive to get you up here and you won't bring any patients with you" so I guess we just keep going. I am not going to uproot everyone and leave all my friends for anything less than the perfect job!

Socially, things are ok. The interviewing often leads people to ask where in the world I am that day. Add in the weeks away from home, and I'm not seeing people as much as I'd like for being technically unemployed. I haven't even gotten to meet sibylla's new dog yet ! *pout* Hopefully, I can make that up in the 2 wks off I have coming up (around Thanksgiving) before I head off to Maine.

Mentally, I've very up and down. November is always a tough month anyway. The anniversaries of both my parent's deaths and the loss of my kitten, MoonPie, make it tough regardless of any other occurrences. The job loss and being stranded for over 6 hrs in Logan Boston airport did not help. For the first time in several years, I wanted to give up and hibernate after crying for a few hours. So of course, when I got home, Jason proposed!!!

This has, as you can imagine, vastly improved my mood. :D When I got home, everything seemed normal. The puppies were yipping and barking. Jason and Chuck were putting together a table. I staggered up to the bedroom, and put my suitcase down and was chatting with Brandy about little things, and I he said "I just have one question." When I turned around, there he was on one knee with the ring. Of course I teared up, and said yes...twice I think! He stood up and hugged me and then put the ring on my finger.

Here's a picture:


Apparently the evil plan was to invite 12-15 people over, and surprise me when I got home. He'd gotten brunswick stew, baked beans, and barbecue for everyone to eat to have a small party afterward. Sadly, my being stranded in Logan ruined that plan...but it was still a wonderful surprise!

So I guess things are ok but not great, except the ring of course. :D

Definitely worth reading, but it makes me sad .

I tend not to talk much about race. Yes, I am white. I am also female and outspoken and living in the South. These things balance in strange ways, when they balance instead of falling over crashing to the ground.

I'm not going to talk now either. But this is a very well thought out, well written piece. via nounsandverbs

Edit: link fixed. Sorry!

Leaving on a cruise in the AM. Officially out of touch via twitter, facebook, email, and phone for the next week. Texts might or might not reach me. Take care y'all!

If you can find it, you really must get you some of this:

absolutely wonderful beer!

Definitely the best beer I have ever had... ever, ever, ever!

Sadly only available in limited quantities once a year, and excitingly different every single year!

Anyone borrow my Thursday Next books (by Jasper Fforde) and not returned them yet? Cuz I can't find any of them and owned 4.

Happy birthday to witchygreen!