mermaidblue: (hiding)
2013-03-10 06:12 pm

Venting

OMFG if I don't vent I'll lose my bloody mind!

First, I'm told I need a dental implant that my insurance won't cover.

Then there's a leak at the GA house, which means repairs to the roof as well as cosmetic stuff. And even though the roof in under warranty, the company has closed. And the insurance company won't honor the warranty. Which means paying for the repairs and the insurance deductible out of my pocket.

Plus of course, it's time to pay my car insurance, take both animals to the vet, pay my home insurance (hah!) and renter's insurance. My car needs repairs...well really I need a new car but again with the money. Even if I figure out how to pay for the repair, there is no time to get it done!

If the money were not enough, the person out at work is not coming back on time. Another person just took a 2nd two week emergency leave in 6 months. And the person going out on maternity leave is not doing well. Needless to say I am covering way more than I want to.

Add in the freak-out by what seemed to be a sane guy, who is apparently having trouble after his last relationship (even though he really likes me -blech!) and a string of unpromising on line dates...

I have no idea how to calm down right now. I am angry and freaking the hell out. I can't pay for all of this. I have exactly 3 days off before the end of the month, unless you count the days I have to drive to Philly and back again for my niece's bday.

I need a god damned break and there's no way I can figure to get one...my next vacation at work is not until JUNE! I'd take a weekend away, but that costs money.


AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-07-30 04:59 pm

Brad in review

Ok, so I swear I've mentioned Brad before....but just to review.

So, back in late April or early May, I put myself up on eHarmony just to force myself to get back out there. I had filled out the profile but hadn't actually joined up, but there were a coupl of people who kept emailing me to talk to them, so I took the plunge.

Overall, eHarmony is not too bad...just a lot of work! I started talking to a couple of guys. And some of them turned from the scripted exchanges to actual emails, and then phone calls.

One of them was Brad. We went from emailing, to texting, to phone calls. We texted pretty much all day every day and talked every night for hours. We still do several months later.

So just after my birthday, we agreed to meet up. I was nervous, as you imagine...but it went very well. He came down for dinner and ended up visiting for 3 days. The chemistry is great. We get along fine. On my way back from sailing in Maine, I stopped to see him and he introduced me to his parents.

For those that want the vitals...he turns 38 in September. He has a bachelors from BU and and MBA from Southern Florida. He works in healthcare administration, and has worked at Children's in Philly and at DuPont Childrens as well. He hasn't been married and has no kids...he was engaged but it didn't work out and he moved back up to New England about the same time I broke up with Jason.

Right now he's rehabbing his parents house from the 1600s while he looks for a position up here. He's financially stable, and very chivalrous. Opens doors, gets the car when it's raining so I don't get wet, pays for everything...

I'm seeing him again next week. and he's texting me now. I'm cautiously optimistic but trying very hard not to fall too far or too fast.

So that's the skinny. I'm till on eHarmony. There are a few other people I'm talking with but nothing else even remotely serious.
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-07-29 05:42 pm

Still standing

I've been quiet of late I know. I'm still alive and healthy except for a minor shoulder injury.

July was absolute madness, though mostly of the good sort....until one of my colleagues took 2 weeks off without any notice.

So right now I'm working 9 shifts in 2 weeks and exhausted. I'll be fine but I barely have energy to keep up with food and house stuff much less writing or anything creative.

Puppy is still fine. I'm still seeing Brad and things seem ok there but I am being very cautious.
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-07-05 08:46 am

Good bye to a good friend

As many of you know, Tiggr is my cat. I've had him ever since I graduated high school. aside from my brother and sister, he has known me longer than any living being. Tiggr was diagnosed with renal failure a few years ago. For a while he did fine. Other than drinking more he didn't even seem sick. But this spring, he got worse quickly. I put him in the hospital for a few days and got him tanked up, and he held on for a few weeks.

But in the last few days, he's stopped eating and has a harder time drinking, despite the medicines and subcutaneous fluids I've been giving him. 2 nights ago he was doing better after I gave him his IVF, but last night he could barely stand up. So I made him a nest in the bed room with a blanket, water and his litter box. Today he barely responding except to ask for ear scritches. So I called the vet. We go in at 12:30 to put him down. I could let him go on his own, but I don't want him to suffer.

So I guess that's that.
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-06-15 02:39 pm

How is I?

That seems to be the most common question in my life of late- "Sooooo how are you?" said somewhat sheepishly.

I don't really know how to answer this one. I'm as well as can be expected. I'm better than I thought I'd be at this point. I'm wading through all of this crap, and resenting the speed bumps J keeps throwing in my way...like his "I'm coming for my stuff" with no notice. I diverted him until after my trip but still. :P I suppose there are thing I will always regret, always miss. But I wish there weren't.

I function. I pay the bills, do the housework, do my job, get things done. I see my friends here as often as work allows...and miss my friends in other places.

To be honest,I'm a bit down these last few days. My birthday is coming up and it's another first without J. Most of my local friends are too busy to celebrate, and my closest friends are far away. Tiggr is sick and goddess only knows how long he has. I'm also turning 37 and feel like time is running out on my life outside of work. Things at work are good, except for one co-worker who is being a total bitch to everyone. Ah well, what else is new? There's always one. At least my sister is coming up for a couple of days.
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-04-17 10:21 pm

3 months

One of the things that always amazes me about life is how fast it can change....

It's only been 3 months, when we were together almost 8 years. It only took one sentence to go from pair bonded and engaged, thinking about houses and children....to single, alone, and perhaps never to be a mother.

It seems like so little time, and so much.

I'm getting to the point where I'm ok without him. Not happy. Not loved. But ok. I still miss the wonderful things we shared, the way he said bye with such adoration in his voice, the silly things he'd do just to make me smile or laugh...and of course my puppies. But it doesn't feel like a giant hole burning in the center of my stomach.

All the uncertainty and the fears are still there. I still don't believe I can find some better for me, but I'm starting to think I could find someone better to me. I still wonder if I'll ever get to have a child, and a family. I still don't think I'm that special.

But at least I'm no longer worried about things beyond my control or being lied to on a regular basis.
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-04-08 02:41 pm

(no subject)

I should be writing a travelogue about Wales. It was lovely, but I just don't feel like it. Perhaps later.

Things have been hectic since I got back.

First of all, I caught a cold on the way back from Europe. So I've been sick all week.

Then, a supposed friend and colleague stabbed me in the back several times while I was gone. So I've been trying to deal with that issue.

Jason is drinking again, so we are not talking. I'm not surprised but sad, none the less.

And spending a "family" holiday alone is not helping. Plus I worked all day yesterday and am on again tonight.


So color me blah I guess.
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-03-19 09:19 pm

well, now

It's been a minute since I wrote much. Partly it's been work and partly busy...but mostly that most days I'm fairly content.

I have knitting group, and pottery class just finished. I'm planning to take a stained glass class next. I've had a few really good visits with friends here.

The doldrums of winter have been no fun at all. I'm still pretty up and down overall. Some days are good, and others not so much.

Going to my cousins place was great fun....but it did make me realize how very much I want a life like that. Their kids are fabulous, and I am apparently "incredible" with them and "diplomatic". LOL! So that threw me into a tailspin for a few days.

Of course, the anniversary of Tasha's death was also difficult. I still miss her horribly. The losses in my life seem to keep piling up...but sadly the gains not so much. Well, I guess my career is finally progressing, but otherwise *shrug*

Jason is still in touch and, as far as I know, still sober. We've had a few decent talks, and a few tough ones. He insists that none of this was my fault, but I'm sure there are things I could have done better. He still hopes we'll get back together someday, which may be possible but not right now. I'm ok with talking to him, but not ok with seeing him so my trip to GA in May will be unadvertised.

What's bothering me about the post-J world right now is that I'm still worried about whether he is drinking or not. I'd like to think I'm being selfless, but no...I want him to get better at least partly to prove that I wasn't wrong about believing in him.

The other disturbing shift I've noticed is that I'm starting to wonder about men I meet again. That's not bad in and of itself...after all eventually I'll start dating again. It's the way I look at them I don't like. I keep wondering if they could be "the one". Well, of course they can't! I don't even know them. It just strikes me as unhealthy.

Today was the fist really beautiful spring day we've had here....so I took it off, for the most part at least. I slept late, sat in the sun, thought about gardening, and took a nap.

Ta ta for now. bed time again!
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-03-10 10:14 pm

Homework

So this week my headshrinker gave me homework: I have to collect opinions from all of you, my friends, ad o what you think is special about me.

Let 'er rip!
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-03-06 07:43 pm

Time keeps on ticking...

into the future.

Things are a bit rough inside my head right now. I'm sad. I'm alone. I'm scared. Most of all I'm tired...of trying and fighting and hoping. Most of all of hoping.

But it seems to be an impossible habit to break so, what do I want?

I want a partner- someone who will make decisions with me, not who will make them for me or expect me to make them for him. Not everything obviously but the big ones.

I want someone with integrity. Who doesn't lie to me and know I won't lie to them. I'm not talking Radical Honesty here, just basic respect for me and for our relationship.

I want someone who loves me, wholeheartedly even though they admit I'm imperfect and frustrating and stubborn. Cuz I am.

I want someone I can trust without reservation. I don't want to wonder if he is drinking, or using drugs, or cheating on me.

I want someone who can balance his interests and our life together. Who has his own things that make him happy, that we can do together or not. I want to make him happy, and be happy with him but I don't want to be the sole source of his happiness.

I want someone who is emotionally available and comfortable with intimacy. Who knows himself, his issues, and his faults...and can address them as they come up as well as whatever issues we have as our relationship progresses. Cuz we will have them.

I want someone who wants me as I am, who wants a life with me and a family. Someone I don't have to fight to have a keep a place in his life. Who commits to our life together as his top priority.

Is this too much to ask?
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-03-01 10:03 pm

oh-blah-dee-oh-blah-dah

...life goes on.

I work. I sleep. I eat. I go to my knitting group and ever so slowly move forward with reorganizing the house. I'm hoping to have one room painted and put together before Wales.

I go to knitting group. I've joined a few other groups as well to try and keep busy.

I wish I had more progress to report, but about the only other positive thing I can say is that I am not actively miserable constantly. Intermittently the sad will come back and bite me, like when I went to the fancy supermarket we both liked... but most of the rest of the time I am just there. Not happy, not sad, nor any other identifiable emotion. Just there.

The job is fine. I'm working out. I have money saved for the Wales trip. I am planning to go to the Steampunk World Fair, visit some cousins, and perhaps come back to ATL to see my chosen family.
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-02-28 12:12 am

Another night shift

...another post.

I am now thankfully on the last of my 10 days of work in 12 days. So of course, the pager started up as soon as I got in. At this point, I'm waiting on 2 admissions both of whom are likely fine but need watching. There's also a baby who may need to stay an extra day for observation and one woman in labor. Hopefully I can catch 6 hrs of sleep before rounds, a meeting, and a personal training appointment. Then I crash!

Emotionally, I had a good few days but the doldrums returned this morning. It may just be exhaustion, but all the usual doubts about whether I'll ever meet my partner, have kids, etc surfaced. There's nothing wrong with my life right now besides loneliness, but sometimes it is overwhelming especially when I think it may stay this way.

It won't of course. Even since J left things have changed significantly. He's getting help- counseling and AA. So far it's working even through its only been a couple of weeks. Too bad he had to destroy our relationship before he could accept help but that's the way it is.

So I guess I'm just trying to put my mind back together, as well as my life. I go to Al-anon occasionally for whatever I can learn. I'm doing a lot of reading on philosophy, self-improvement etc for whatever that is worth. I'm going to the personal trainer 2x a week and trying to keep myself busy. Which is proving to be very frustrating as I'm not losing any weight even though I'm losing inches and getting stronger-blech!

We'll see.
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-02-21 03:24 am

(no subject)

I'm fairly sure some of you are pretty sick of me and my whinging. But there too much floaty in my head, too may quiet hours in my night shift, and too many questions left unanswered. And I have no where else to put it without annoying people with phone calls or cracking. So it goes here.

I fecking hate this. How can the person who knows you best out of anyone in the world and loves you anyway still be not the right person? How can we have survived so many traumas only to fail now? Why? I feel cursed. All I want right now is to go back 6 or so years to a cold October morning when J and I were both sleeping in a town bed at my sisters place. It was a horrible time in my life but at least I believed in love, and in us. At least I was warm, and safe, and loved instead of cold and tired and alone.

It was not a perfect relationship and he was far from a perfect man...and I know I did the right thing. I don't miss going home and wondering what I might find. I don't miss his drinking or yelling or withdrawing. But I do miss him. Maybe I wouldn't if he'd left the dogs. Maybe it's just that I need physical comfort so much and I don't have anyone here I can turn to for more than a hug. Maybe it's all the dreams I'm having to let go. And maybe that I have very little fuckin faith left after all the losses in the last 8 years.

It almost doesn't matter. He's gone, the dogs are gone...and I have no faith that there will ever be a replacement. I'm done.
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-02-13 09:43 pm

Dark patch

Ever so slowly, things have been getting better...or at least progressing. Until last Friday that is. Two things.

Number one is that I was actually actively happy for a little while. I was making dinner and listening to jazz. I managed to make bread for the first time since he left. I was even dancing in the kitchen for a while.

Second, it was Jesse's birthday this weekend. This is important for 2 reasons. First, I missed it for the first time in years. And 2nd because Bev posted pictures on Facebook of the birthday party including J. I stared at them for a while, and then since I was already sad I decided to clean out the pictures on my computer.

The actual cleaning out was not that bad, but looking at the expressions on his face over the years just hurt so bad. I could see how much he loved me in those photos. And how much I loved him. And the life we had together, good and bad.

It's not that love isn't enough. I've known that for as long as I can remember. In some ways it helped to know that it was real, that I didn't imagine the good times before as well as the bad times after.

I know I did the right thing. That nothing I did or did not do could change his path once he went down it. That he still loves me as much as he can....and that we can't be together. I know that the man I love may be gone forever, and that in this case it is stronger to let him go and let the goddess take care of him.

It's the fear that's getting to me. I know no one will ever love me that way again because they won't be him, but I fear that no one will ever love me that much again. That by giving up on him, I missed my last chance at a family and love and home. And that I'm having trouble getting over.
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-02-10 09:27 pm

One month later

It's officially one month since the breakup.

Not really sure what to say. It happened. It sucks. I wish it was different.

Except its not different. So I'm trying to deal with reality and learn from my mistakes. I'm trying to rebuild my life alone and hold on to some kind of faith that maybe things will get better.

I'm seeing a therapist and a personal trainer and going to Al-Anon. I'm buying myself wine and flowers and furniture. I'm painting and packing up his shit and rearranging.

But the reality is, I can do all the work I want on myself...and I still may end up alone with out family or children.
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-02-03 09:08 pm

Good day, rough night

Today was mostly good.

I was on all last night and actually got to sleep! So I stayed up all day.

Mostly I watched "Big Bang Theory" and laughed! Dishes, laundry, minor shopping, and more window sealing against the cold also got done.

Tomorrow some friends are coming over to help me move the bed out of the old bedroom and pack up some of J's stuff. The comes the sage, the painting, and the rearranging.

Sadly, wandering around Hyannis running errands just made me think of J. He haunted the book store, the Bed Bath & Beyond, even the grocery store. If I though we could have an honest conversation I'd call him to debrief... try and figure out what part I may have played in this farce. But given that I'm pretty sure he stole some things just because he knew I cared about them and that I know he went and bought alcohol, that's likely impossible.

I muddle on. I read, I learn, I recognize some ingrained behaviors in myself. I still don't want to look at men, or have them interested in me. I have some angry letters to write. And a lot of healing to do.

Maybe someday I'll meet someone else and have a family. Or maybe not. And I need to learn to be ok with both possibilities.

So I'm eating pizza for dinner, and drinking champagne to toast new beginnings. The veil plan includes hot tub soaks, reading fiction, and a fire just for me. Oh, and I bought myself some more flowers as well!
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-01-31 09:14 pm

On and On

That's all I get these days, to keep going.

Life is not bad. I still love my job. The Cape is still gorgeous. I have friends here, and there, who love me. Everyone is being supportive, including my family. And that helps more than I could ever say.

But I cry at least a little most days. In some ways the sudden stabs of grief are worse because there are moments of not hurting. I would still do anything to have my Jason back, even though I know that is impossible. I wonder if there was anything I could have done that might possibly have made a difference...even though I know there likely wasn't.

I keep knitting, and planning the house rearrangement. I'm trying to marshal some forces to help with packing etc this weekend. Then comes the painting, and the cleansing, and the recreating.


Must sleep now. More later.
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-01-23 09:31 pm

Up & down

...round & round.

Life is a bit chaotic right now. I'm working a lot, which in a sense is good. It's a distraction and time out of the house. But it is hard sometimes to see happy families with brand new babies, when what feels like my last chance at that life is gone. Note I said feels, not is. I realize the logical fallacy, it just doesn't change the feeling.

Actually, that is probably the central tenet of my life right now. The difference between what is and how it feels. I feel sad, angry, betrayed, and bereft. I grieve for the life we had planned and the Jason I used to know. But the man I've been living with the last few months, not so much. I miss the dogs horribly and pray they will be safe with him. But neither their well being or J's recovery are my responsibility.

What is my responsibility is figuring out how I might have enabled him, and making sure I never do so again.

What is my responsibility if rebuilding my life as I want it to be, regardless of the circumstances around me.

What is my responsibility is taking good care of myself, both physically, emotionally, and mentally.

What is my responsibility is keeping this from affecting my job and career.

What is my responsibility is how I let this affect me and figuring out what I do want in a relationship when I'm recovered enough to have one.

Oh yeah, and I have whiskey in the house again!!!
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-01-19 11:36 am

Ongoing saga

Jason left with what he could fit in his car and our dogs Monday night. I got to cuddle the dogs one last time before I went to a friends house crying inconsolably. She and her baby helped, but coming home to an empty house was awful. No happy puppy barks and whimpers, no watching them scamper outside, no warm loving snuggles next to me as I slept.

He had asked me multiple times if there was anything he could do for me. The one thing I asked him to do was clean up his vomit from the last night of our relationship. Of course, he left a huge mess and lots of his stuff to be packed up for shipping or selling. And he didn't clean up the vomit. He didn't even let me know when he arrived safely.

The next couple days were very hard. I had to work all day Tuesday, but managed not to make any major gaffes. That night was the worst. No dogs, no noise, and I was reconnecting the wireless and bluray systems. I tried a few ways to find something to distract myself with little luck and eventually went to bed out of sheer exhaustion.

Yesterday was mostly spent in meetings, etc. I had my 2nd personal training appt and a doctors appt. apparently I am borderline hypothyroid hut not enough to treat right now. At the medical staff meeting I saw a man who was attractive. This terrified me. I don't want to be attracted to anyone right now. In fact, at this point I'm fairly sure anyone I find attractive would be bad for me. So I did my best to ignore him and enjoy the company of my pediatric colleagues. For the most part it worked.

Plans are underway to pack up all his crap and put it out of sight. After that, I paint, rearrange the house, and rebuild my life.

When I got home I watched a movie and did more reading. For now that's how I'm coping- reading about healthy relationships, ways to increase my own happiness, and about how having an alcoholic father and now partner affects me. Of course, all the reading in the world won't help if I can change how I feel and think.

I don't want him back, but I desperately still want the life we planned with the person he used to be. And I can't have it.
mermaidblue: (Default)
2012-01-14 08:52 pm

Friday the 13th and after

Friday the 13th did turn out to be a f*ed up day. But not for expected reasons.

My gym training appointment go canceled at the last minute.

Jason woke up sober, so I took the opportunity to talk to him about some things. Apparently he is leaving in the next week. He's going to his mother's but lied and said he didn't know where he is going. He also said he didn't know if he'd have a safe place for the dogs, though I know his mom would never let them suffer. More emotional blackmail. But we did get the issue of what he is and isn't taking with him talked through with very few snags. He's driving, so he can't take all of his things. He still has to let me know what he wants done with them and about his ticket to Wales.

On a more emotional level, I tried to make it clear that while I care about him and still see all the things I love about him, they are all buried underneath his disease. I tried to separate him from his disease... but he still kept talking about how he was trying and it wasn't enough. We both cried a lot and agreed that we didn't blame each other but were just in a place where it couldn't work. He kept asking what he could do for me. I refrained from saying grow the hell up and get help.

Then I went to see a movie with my co-worker Cynthia. Which I told Jason was the gym appt since he hates here and I don't need the drama. Not good, I know. But ever so functional right now.

When I came back he and I were supposed to go to Barnes and Noble to get his paycheck. But he was passed out having drunk 2/3 L of vodka. So I had an extended snuggle session with the puppies and caught up on TV until about 11P. Sleep was had- decent sleep actually.

This morning I got up early to go to the rescheduled gym appt. It was pretty good. I'm not as weak as I thought, but there were some surprising deficiencies. I tried to get my car back form the shop after that, but they were closed with their hours listed neither on the website, voice mail, or door. So instead I went to the bank and got a few steps closer to separating the finances.

When I got back from all that, J asked me to go to lunch with him. I had a work related lunch meeting, so said no. It went fine...may actually lead to some new friends. Got home and spent most of the afternoon watching the hilarious Big Bang theory. In the course of the afternoon, I told him if he wanted to do something for me he could clean up his vomit before he left. Jason got us Chinese for dinner to repay the pizza I bought last week. I was going to pay him the difference in the cost, but then found he'd had about 1 L of my gin.

The fact that since Sunday he has had 4 L of vodka and 1 L of gin without dying makes me think he's been binging every time I've left him alone for quite a while. And that's without me trying to monitor what he's taking- just the obvious evidence- could be more. Not the evidence I would prefer but more proof that I am doing the right things as much as it hurts.

I tried to warn his mom but her response was "he's getting it out of his system before he comes here." Not much hope there. But not my problem anymore either. Whatever he doesn't take with him I'll sell or ship before I start rearranging furniture, painting, etc. One way or the other he will be out of my house, if not my heart, within a month.