Dark patch

Feb. 13th, 2012 09:43 pm
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[personal profile] mermaidblue
Ever so slowly, things have been getting better...or at least progressing. Until last Friday that is. Two things.

Number one is that I was actually actively happy for a little while. I was making dinner and listening to jazz. I managed to make bread for the first time since he left. I was even dancing in the kitchen for a while.

Second, it was Jesse's birthday this weekend. This is important for 2 reasons. First, I missed it for the first time in years. And 2nd because Bev posted pictures on Facebook of the birthday party including J. I stared at them for a while, and then since I was already sad I decided to clean out the pictures on my computer.

The actual cleaning out was not that bad, but looking at the expressions on his face over the years just hurt so bad. I could see how much he loved me in those photos. And how much I loved him. And the life we had together, good and bad.

It's not that love isn't enough. I've known that for as long as I can remember. In some ways it helped to know that it was real, that I didn't imagine the good times before as well as the bad times after.

I know I did the right thing. That nothing I did or did not do could change his path once he went down it. That he still loves me as much as he can....and that we can't be together. I know that the man I love may be gone forever, and that in this case it is stronger to let him go and let the goddess take care of him.

It's the fear that's getting to me. I know no one will ever love me that way again because they won't be him, but I fear that no one will ever love me that much again. That by giving up on him, I missed my last chance at a family and love and home. And that I'm having trouble getting over.

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