Up & down

Jan. 23rd, 2012 09:31 pm
mermaidblue: (Default)
[personal profile] mermaidblue
...round & round.

Life is a bit chaotic right now. I'm working a lot, which in a sense is good. It's a distraction and time out of the house. But it is hard sometimes to see happy families with brand new babies, when what feels like my last chance at that life is gone. Note I said feels, not is. I realize the logical fallacy, it just doesn't change the feeling.

Actually, that is probably the central tenet of my life right now. The difference between what is and how it feels. I feel sad, angry, betrayed, and bereft. I grieve for the life we had planned and the Jason I used to know. But the man I've been living with the last few months, not so much. I miss the dogs horribly and pray they will be safe with him. But neither their well being or J's recovery are my responsibility.

What is my responsibility is figuring out how I might have enabled him, and making sure I never do so again.

What is my responsibility if rebuilding my life as I want it to be, regardless of the circumstances around me.

What is my responsibility is taking good care of myself, both physically, emotionally, and mentally.

What is my responsibility is keeping this from affecting my job and career.

What is my responsibility is how I let this affect me and figuring out what I do want in a relationship when I'm recovered enough to have one.

Oh yeah, and I have whiskey in the house again!!!
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