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Dec. 12th, 2011 03:03 pm
mermaidblue: (Default)
[personal profile] mermaidblue
I am not a strong person...or at least I don't feel like one. Especially on nights like this as I sit in the call room unable to sleep. (written at 4 AM) I can be alone and be happy. I can endure. But I do best when I have an anchor.

When I was little, I planned to travel all over the world, but even in my imaginary adventures I had a cottage to come home to. A small safe place to call my own that didn't change while I was gone. I have never in real life had that- a place of my own. Everywhere I've ever lived has either been temporary, rented, or shared with Jason. I wonder if I will ever have that place to call home.

Jason has been my home, and my anchor, for a long time. But reading over the last 7 years of journal entries (written the next day), some of the issues we are experiencing have been there from the start. He has never been a true partner. I have consistently asked him to be one...with improvement for a while and then backsliding and broken promises. Emotionally he has been wonderfully affirming and helpful...but not always available. He's been depressed for a long time, but refuses to deal with it. Our issues sometimes intersect in bad ways- he has me on an impossibly high pedestal and the fall will be horrific. His drinking has been getting worse, but he still think he can control it. In the end, I know he loves me but maybe that is not enough.

I still wish we could work things out...that he could be the man I want him to be. But he's not. And he may never be that man. So I need to look at where we are now, not where I want to be. I guess we'll see.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-12 08:14 pm (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-13 12:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] paidiraiompair.livejournal.com
Believe it or not, Lear, you being able to say these words PROVES you *are* in fact, a very strong person.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-13 01:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] copykitty.livejournal.com
*big hugs* you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-13 06:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anabatos.livejournal.com
I am sad to read this, but in a way proud of you, because you have seen the truth for what it is, and that is a very hard thing to do. I have faith you will have the courage to make the right set of decisions for yourself, but I know those decisions will be very hard on both of you. I hope and wish the best for you and will always be here if you need a shoulder.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-13 04:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] philitre.livejournal.com
Hugs, sweetie. I know that is hard to come to grips with but better now than later.

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