well fuck

Dec. 9th, 2011 03:34 am
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[personal profile] mermaidblue
To sum up in a song lyric:
"Well I guess that push has come to this, so I guess this must be shove." ~Ani DiFranco

Mostly I'm writing this because I know some of you worry. Also because I need some thing the fuck out of my head.

Right now I want to curl up in a ball and die. I would give anything right now to just stop thinking and feeling. Don't stress, I'm not actually suicidal...just at my breaking point. But what's a few more cracks, eh?

I found out that Jason was drinking when he visited his family in GA. Drinking enough to start vomiting blood, and then had more the next day hidden in Gatorade. Not only did he do, but when he came home he did not tell me.

This is a huge betrayal. I almost wish he had cheated on me instead. I think it would have hurt less. No one is perfect, but to lie...he had excuses but they are in the end only excuses. And I'm sick of those.

So we've reached the end of the options and chances and pathways. At this point it's join AA and never have another sip of alcohol, or leave. And he knows. I'll cross my fingers.

Hope may spring eternal, but it;s a very small stream at this point.
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