Jan. 19th, 2012

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Jason left with what he could fit in his car and our dogs Monday night. I got to cuddle the dogs one last time before I went to a friends house crying inconsolably. She and her baby helped, but coming home to an empty house was awful. No happy puppy barks and whimpers, no watching them scamper outside, no warm loving snuggles next to me as I slept.

He had asked me multiple times if there was anything he could do for me. The one thing I asked him to do was clean up his vomit from the last night of our relationship. Of course, he left a huge mess and lots of his stuff to be packed up for shipping or selling. And he didn't clean up the vomit. He didn't even let me know when he arrived safely.

The next couple days were very hard. I had to work all day Tuesday, but managed not to make any major gaffes. That night was the worst. No dogs, no noise, and I was reconnecting the wireless and bluray systems. I tried a few ways to find something to distract myself with little luck and eventually went to bed out of sheer exhaustion.

Yesterday was mostly spent in meetings, etc. I had my 2nd personal training appt and a doctors appt. apparently I am borderline hypothyroid hut not enough to treat right now. At the medical staff meeting I saw a man who was attractive. This terrified me. I don't want to be attracted to anyone right now. In fact, at this point I'm fairly sure anyone I find attractive would be bad for me. So I did my best to ignore him and enjoy the company of my pediatric colleagues. For the most part it worked.

Plans are underway to pack up all his crap and put it out of sight. After that, I paint, rearrange the house, and rebuild my life.

When I got home I watched a movie and did more reading. For now that's how I'm coping- reading about healthy relationships, ways to increase my own happiness, and about how having an alcoholic father and now partner affects me. Of course, all the reading in the world won't help if I can change how I feel and think.

I don't want him back, but I desperately still want the life we planned with the person he used to be. And I can't have it.

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mermaidblue

March 2013

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