Jan. 12th, 2012

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When did pain become the status quo?

I can hardly imagine not hurting. I know I won't hurt at some point. I guess that's the silver lining to losing both my parents...I know the Owie will get better. But I have no idea how I will ever get there. I've not only lost the man I love but the puppies I adore, the life we planned, and my house for now since he's been there and drunk most of the time.

I still can't imagine a person better suited to me with all my weirdness than the J I met and loved for 5 years. But I also can't imagine doing this for the rest of my life. He was sober last night and that was almost worse. I could see my Jason under there, but I don't know when or if he will ever come back. There are so many things I wish I could say to him and have them be heard. But I know he can't hear them now.

I wish the knowledge that I'm doing the right thing made this easier....but it doesn't make it feel any better.

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March 2013

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